


dance like nobody's watching

by Homosexy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, Closeted Character, F/F, Gymnast Lexa AU, Smut, finished early im sorry guys, gymnastics AU, the rest of the main lot are also present, this fic is like my baby because i have ridiculous ideas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-05-21 12:16:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14915202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Homosexy/pseuds/Homosexy
Summary: Lexa stuffed her phone, ID and some money into her pockets. Gave her hair a quick ruffle and took a deep breath.-Lexa is a gymnast who's starting to get successful at the international level. The problem? She's also very, very gay. One day, the night after Worlds, shortly after her eighteenth birthday, Lexa decides to take a chance at going out to a club. And it all starts there.





	1. stranger

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone! welcome to my fic about lexa as a gymnast. each chapter title will be a song title from my playlist for this fic (yes i make playlists for my fics. i make playlists for everything). chapter one is stranger by tove lo. this one's smutty, but don't expect smut every chapter. this is more about a story i wanna tell. i was a gymnast when i was younger and looking at the sport now im older and shamelessly gay, i wonder how coming out would have gone if i'd stuck with it.
> 
> so yeah. here you are. enjoy these dorks

She might as well take the opportunity while she’s here. It’s not like she’d do it back home, right? Lexa stared herself up and down nervously in the mirror of her hotel room. She knew she shouldn’t go out, wasn’t even allowed to, technically. Indra would, in all likelihood, kill her. Yes competition had finished that day and tomorrow was just the travel home, and yes, Lexa had surpassed pretty much everyone’s expectations and been the most successful member of the British team. _All the more reason not to_ _set a bad example_ , Lexa thought to herself in Indra’s voice. Not to mention the possibility of being recognised. She absolutely could not be recognised. But would anyone, _really_? Lexa appraised herself again. Her success was a surprise _because_ nobody knew her name. She’d been hanging around the edges of the national team for the last eighteen months. Done a few team competitions, but never qualified for any individual finals until now.

 

 _Fuck it_.

 

Lexa stuffed her phone, ID and some money into her pockets. Gave her hair a quick ruffle and took a deep breath. Her hotel was pretty central, given that Worlds were at the Arena; it was a walkable distance to where she wanted to go. She didn’t know where her roommate was (a girl called Octavia who she’d barely spoken to thus far) but she knew she wouldn’t care enough to get Lexa into trouble. Still, she could feel the anxiety like tiny splinters wedged into her heart. Lexa wasn’t sure that she’d ever broken a rule in her life- she could quote Anya from a month ago: “The world’s most boring teenager becomes the world’s most boring adult- happy birthday sis!”. Still, there was a first time for everything and Lexa couldn’t stand being this frustrated any longer. This was a defining moment. Her first step into adult life.

“You’re lame” she muttered at her reflection before finally walking out the door, leaving behind her packed suitcase, foam roller, and any thoughts of turning tail and simply staying in. The night was breezy and cold- not unexpected for November, and Lexa regretted not bringing a coat. Still, if she upped her walking pace she could tolerate it. Her fears of being recognised had fast evaporated; it was dark. Clubs would be dark. If she was lucky enough to end up in someone’s bedroom (her stomach did some strange, minute lurch at the thought)... well, they probably wouldn’t recognise her.

 

Maybe going to her first club alone wasn’t the best idea. Lexa leaned awkwardly against the wall, looking the room over and taking small sips of her lemonade. How were you supposed to approach someone? It seemed utterly terrifying- more terrifying still was the prospect of standing on her own like a lemon, waiting for someone to come up to her, knowing nobody would. Maybe she should just finish her drink and go back to the hotel. She’d (halfway) done what she said she was going to; now there was nothing to regret. It was too loud anyway. Lexa knew herself well enough to know that this was not her scene, and that any socialising not rooted in TV shows or feminist literature was usually a disaster zone for her. And yet, she’d still come here, somehow thinking this was a good idea. That she had any chance of actually starting talking to a girl, let alone-

“Hey, you by yourself?” A deep voice interrupted Lexa’s downward spiral of an inner monologue, shouting over the bassy music to reach her ears. She turned to see a tall guy, probably around her age but then again maybe not, with dark curly hair.

“Uh, yeah, pretty much” Lexa yelled back. He looked friendly enough, for now at least. Lexa still felt uneasy- what if she had to reject him?

“So hey, are you-” He began to ask a question Lexa really hoped she didn’t know the end of, but before he could confirm her suspicions, a blonde girl barrelled her way into the conversation  
  
“Bell, I told you not to!” She yelled, scaring Lexa perhaps more than the guy, because _oh god what if this was his girlfriend or something_?

“I’m just trying to be a good wingman” The guy laughed genially, much to Lexa’s confusion, “Shall I let you do the talking to… I didn’t ask your name did I?” He whacked his palm against his forehead  
  
“Lexa” Lexa responded, entirely unsure why she was giving up this information. Probably the fact that she couldn’t kick her brain back into gear because whoever this guy’s friend (she hoped they were only friends) was… well, _wow_. She looked kind of angry and it concerned but didn’t surprise Lexa, that she found her enthrallingly beautiful even so. She knew herself.  
  
“Well Lexa, this is my friend Clarke and she’s been- oof, hey-” The guy (Bell, presumably) fought off Clarke’s attempts to stop him talking “-Checking you out since you- come on, stop, I’m doing you a favour- walked in but she’s too much of a scaredy-cat to come talk to you so, I helped”  
  
“Right” Lexa smiled awkwardly, not exactly sure what to make of any of the things that had just happened. The girl- Clarke, apparently- glowered at her friend, but she didn’t seem to be dangerously angry.

“Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow Clarke” He departed smoothly, and despite his height, disappeared instantly into the crowd, to Clarke’s evident chagrin

“Look, I… sorry, I’m really sorry, I tried to stop him” Clarke turned to Lexa, “Bell’s an arse and I will be having words. I’m really sorry to bother you like that- you probably don’t even want any attention from me, I-”  
  
“I wouldn’t say that” Lexa cut her off. Clarke looked somewhat surprised and a small smile crept onto her face. Lexa felt like it took her a physical effort to stop staring at Clarke’s lips. Eventually she wrenched her eyes away, after what felt like noticeably too long. Only be stopped in her tracks as she found herself unable to stop gazing back into Clarke’s own stare.   
  
“Lexa, right?”  
  
“Yeah. And you’re Clarke?”  
  
“That’d be me” She replied. There was an awkward pause, during which Lexa wracked her brain for what to say. She came back to just staring at the girl in front of her, the girl who was so, so pretty and, if her friend was to believed, apparently…

“So,“ Lexa wasn’t sure how anyone could shout tentatively, but she would have bet that she was managing exactly that, “Uh, was he just joking around then?”  
  
“Are you kidding? You’re stunning” Clarke replied with confidence that Lexa would quite honestly die for. She felt herself blush and the corresponding twinge of embarrassment, even though it was surely impossible to tell in this dim lighting, awash with pink overtones from a few neon signs scattered about the walls. They happened to be stood right underneath one that read “beauty” in fluid, elegant curls of neon tubing. It felt apt.

“That’s quite a compliment coming from, you know... someone like you”  
  
“Someone like me, huh?” Clarke raised an eyebrow and Lexa knew she was being mocked a little, “What does that mean?”

“It means that,” Lexa paused, thankful for being given another chance to try to not be awkward, “I think you’re hot too”

“Well Lexa, do you wanna dance?”

 

Lexa had never danced, unless she counted a few school discos when she was a child, and maypole dancing when she was really little (which had ended in tears and some severe tangling). Her floor routines had music of course, but all that gave her was an ability to know a rhythm when she heard one; it wasn’t like her somersaults would come in handy. Hardly an asset. As Clarke led her to the dance floor, Lexa’s pulse began to race at the very real fear that she was going to be an abysmal dancer and ruin whatever one-in-a-million shot she’d somehow stumbled into. It didn’t help that Clarke had ever so casually taken her hand to lead the way over. Oh god, what if her palms were sweaty?  
  
“We don’t have to dance you know”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I can feel your pulse, and you seem nervous” Clarke elaborated, “Sorry, that’s probably so weird. Med student, force of habit to notice I think”  
  
“Oh, don’t worry” Lexa shrugged and, trying to cover her anxieties, continued “Isn’t it normal to get nervous around a pretty girl?”  
  
“Smooth talker” She grinned and Lexa had an almost disturbingly physical response to the want in Clarke’s expression, “Keep that up and you’ll definitely get somewhere”

“I hope so” Lexa managed to reply, before they were swallowed up onto the dance floor.

 

It wasn’t as claustrophobic as Lexa had feared, or been led to believe by films. Still, she found herself a lot closer to people than she generally on average was, or desired to be. Lexa pushed the feeling of other people in her space to the back of her mind and tried to just focus on Clarke. Her palms would be sweaty soon at this rate; the close proximity was making Lexa’s temperature soar. Not to mention that Clarke dancing with her, around her, made Lexa feel a pull in her stomach that seemed to make her mouth dry. She mostly followed Clarke’s lead and tried not to look like an idiot, or think about whether or not she did. Whatever really was the case, Clarke still seemed just as interested as she had before- which could be not at all, Lexa did not trust her ability to read someone, especially not when she was hoping so strongly that maybe there were signals. But she trusted herself enough to observe that Clarke was certainly no less interested. Which meant her dancing was passable enough, at least, to not send Clarke running in the opposite direction. Even if she felt like she wanted to freeze every time Clarke’s body brushed her own.Which was very often. Lexa wished she had the confidence to push it further, see what would happen if she pressed even closer, whether she could maybe… it was too hot and Lexa was starting to find it hard to focus. The vision of Clarke’s face, Clarke’s lips seemed to swim slightly before her eyes. She put a hand on Clarke’s shoulder to make sure she had her attention and shouted  
  
“I need some air, I’m gonna go outside”

 

“You okay?” Clarke asked. Lexa hadn’t asked her to come with her, but she had just followed anyway. Lexa was glad she had.

“Yeah” Lexa replied, truthfully, “Just a bit too warm in there for me”. She was also glad to be speaking at a normal volume, able to actually hear her own voice in her head.  
  
“I know what you mean” Clarke responded, “I was getting pretty hot and bothered”. She took a step towards Lexa, who felt like she might combust any second. The heat of the room genuinely had bothered her, but the bigger reason she needed a breather was that Clarke was making her head spin. They hadn’t even done anything (well, they’d done more than Lexa had ever before, but that was no great achievement on anyone’s part) on the dance floor besides dance, but the proximity, the way Clarke looked at her, Clarke’s hands straying onto Lexa’s waist, it had all made her head spin.

“Something like that” Lexa laughed a little with nervousness. There was no loud bassline to hide the awkwardness in her words now, but she could feel that it didn’t really matter at this point. Clarke drew even closer, backing Lexa against the wall  
  
“You okay?” She asked again and Lexa knew this wasn’t the same question, knew what Clarke was  actually asking. Could hardly believe that Clarke _was_ asking at all. She didn’t trust herself to talk. Her throat felt dry and she bit her lip to stall. Made herself look straight into Clarke’s eyes, the thin ring round her pupils seeming so blue now that they were outside, and saw what she needed to. If she could front summy on a beam and double pike off the end, how hard could it possibly be to grab the front of Clarke’s leather jacket, pull her that last half a foot of distance, and kiss her?

 

Clarke was clearly surprised and for a fleeting moment Lexa was terrified that she’d horrifically misread the situation. But then Clarke’s hands settled on her hips, sending a little thrill through her, and she forgot any worries. Forgot most things, besides a snarky aside to herself that she, Lexa Woods, the goody two-shoes, was kissing a complete stranger outside a nightclub. _Making out_ with a complete stranger outside a nightclub. She wished it didn’t feel as rebellious as it did, or even rebellious at all, because she was pretty sure most people did this at some point, some time in their lives. But the aside was quickly forgotten. Lexa had kissed people (one person) before. But that had been a sweet, awkward (more awkward than now at least), innocent time of Lexa’s life. Not like this- Clarke’s fingers gripping into her hips, and Clarke’s tongue gently pressing into her mouth. Every part of the frustration Lexa had been feeling for far too long was bubbling at the surface, coming to the fore, _finally_. She wasn’t sure if just kissing was supposed to be so intense like this, but it wasn’t like Lexa could really compare it to anything else she’d ever done. Her painfully intense and intensely painful preteen crushes on the older girls at her gym had something comparable in the strength of the feeling, but Lexa didn’t want to taint them with the pure arousal she was feeling as she kissed Clarke. That, and it was increasingly hard to hold on to any of her thoughts. The feeling of Clarke’s lips on hers, the light pull of Clarke’s fingers, hooked around the belt loops of her jeans, Lexa was lost in it all. No wonder then, that when Clarke pulled away she was left reeling, breathing heavily. As if that wasn’t enough, Lexa looked up from Clarke’s lips and met her gaze to see lust strong enough to knock her off her feet.

“Do you wanna take this somewhere else?” She asked, and if the way Clarke was undressing her with her eyes hadn’t floored Lexa, that huskiness certainly would be the thing to finish her off.

“God yes” Lexa replied in an almost-whisper, much more shakily than she would have liked. Any pretence of aloofness or restraint had vanished under the glow of a nearby, faltering streetlight when she’d pulled Clarke towards her, dissolved into remnants as ephemeral as the weak, sodium-orange glow.

“My place or yours?”  
  
“Is yours okay?” Lexa asked, hoping Clarke would say yes. She genuinely didn’t know what she would do if Clarke said no

“Yeah, but it’s not exactly central”  
  
“I’ll pay for the taxi, don’t worry” Lexa offered immediately  
  
“No, we’ll split it” Clarke said and before Lexa could argue, kissed her again, hard. She pulled back, looking satisfied at Lexa’s expression. It was completely starstruck.

 

The journey back passed in a reasonably comfortable silence. Lexa was simultaneously afraid to look at Clarke and unable to stop. Clarke, for her part, was still looking at Lexa like she wanted to climb on top of her right there. Her hand drifted onto Lexa’s, gently brushing her thumb over the inside of Lexa’s wrist. It was small, fleeting, and maybe Lexa was just hyperaware from being so turned on and more than a little nervous, but the contact made her spine tingle. She couldn’t believe this was happening. Lexa gave Clarke a handful of change to pay her share of the journey. The taxi had barely driven away before Clarke was on her, pulling her into another messy kiss. For the life of her, Lexa could not understand why Clarke seemed so into her, but she wasn’t going to complain. She did step away though and, rather than say anything (she did not trust herself to), dipped her head towards the building they’d arrived at. She recognised it; she’d been around the student accomodation here on the open day; this was her first choice university after all. Hopefully, Clarke had not applied for a quiet flat (as Lexa fully intended to when she came here. If she came here.)

“Don’t worry, my flatmates are definitely all still out” Clarke said, sensing Lexa’s nerves as they stepped into the lift, “You met Bell earlier, he’s one of them”  
  
“Good” Lexa said, more to herself than Clarke. Her nervous habits were back; she fiddled with the hem of her shirt, beginning to lose herself in her mind’s anxious ruminations about why she was here, why she could ever think this would go well, why it was about to derail any moment, why...   
Hearing Clarke laugh softly, she looked up  
  
“How can someone be so awkward and so hot all at once?”

“I guess my mind is elsewhere” Lexa held Clarke’s stare. At least she was good at covering for her anxieties, if nothing else  
  
“Good” Clarke’s took Lexa’s hand again as the lift came to its stop. It was oddly comforting.

 

Lexa awkwardly stepped into the flat and watched Clarke close the door, throw her keys down on the counter. She got caught up in just looking at Clarke and how beautiful she was, so much so that she didn’t realise Clarke was looking at her expectantly, had been, in fact, for several seconds.  
  
“You want to take this to the bedroom or do you want me to fuck you here in the kitchen?”  
  
  
“Oh” Lexa felt like she ought to be physically steadying herself from the blow of arousal that just hit her, “I mean, I wouldn’t complain if you did”   
Clarke closed the distance again, resting her hands in Lexa’s belt loops, tugging on them gently. Lexa was expecting another kiss that would send her head spinning, but it never came. She knew it had shown on her face by the way Clarke smirked a little as she backed off and started to head towards what Lexa assumed must be her room. She followed wordlessly. There was no time to figure out what any of the posters on the walls were before Clarke had her pressed against the door, closing it with Lexa’s body. Lexa actually, audibly did an almost-moan in response, which immediately embarrassed her. Clarke seemed to approve if anything. Her hands left Lexa’s hips and began to trace over the warm skin under Lexa’s shirt. More new territory, yet Lexa strangely didn’t feel out of her depth, too overpowered by the present to listen to her anxieties anymore.

 

Clarke was equally single minded, lifting Lexa’s shirt off and over her head deftly, before settling her hands on Lexa’s waist as she took a moment to brazenly stare; nobody could blame her for looking at someone when they had abs like _that_ . Clarke had never considered herself a muscle kind of person, but seeing Lexa was making her fast rescind that statement. How someone so gorgeous could be so blatantly unaware of it, if Lexa’s earlier behaviour was anything to go by at least, was beyond her. Not wanting to waste another moment (although it wasn’t like looking at Lexa’s body was any kind of hardship), Clarke eagerly closed the distance again, kissing Lexa roughly, enjoying the way Lexa seemed to be losing her nervousness, her hands groping Clarke’s arse almost desperately over her black jeans.  
  
“Can we both be naked, like, now?” Clarke asked, with a grin that could make Lexa’s panties drop all on its own, Lexa thought.  
  
“Thought you’d never ask” Lexa replied. It came out more breathily and needily than she would have liked, but again, Clarke didn’t seem to disapprove. She took the hem of Clarke’s top in her hands, waited for a nod, and then removed it with surprising fluidity. It’s low cut had been distracting Lexa since she’d first met Clarke, to her own slight shame, but that was nothing compared to seeing her with it off. Clarke was… wow. She caught Lexa’s eye and smirked as she took a small step back.

“I’ll let you do your jeans yourself, they look pretty tight” Clarke said, already, unbuttoning her own, “Make your arse look fantastic though”  
  
“You’ve been looking, huh?”  
  
“God yeah” Clarke said, finally shucking her jeans off her ankles. Lexa felt her mouth go dry. Clarke’s bra was black and lacy, enough to spin Lexa for a loop on its own, but Clarke had gone with a matching set. And then there was _her_ _thighs_ , which, for lack of a better phrase to show her appreciation, Lexa really wanted either side of her face. She wanted to kiss Clarke _everywhere_.

 

Apparently, the feeling was mutual;

“Do you know how hot you are? I just want to put my mouth all over you” Clarke sat down on the edge of her bed and looked at Lexa expectantly. Lexa felt her face burn a little, glad for the dim lighting  
  
“I could say the same” she managed, still weak from the lingerie, and Clarke’s body, the suggestive looks, all of it, all of it. She removed her jeans under Clarke’s hungry stare, revealing her much less interesting, grey girl-boxers. At least they matched her bra (Calvin Klein. Lexa would never admit it, but she was a sucker for that kind of aesthetic. The third of her tumblr that wasn’t cats or nature photos was photos of semi-clothed women, at least half of whom had to be wearing CKs)   
  
“Damn...” Clarke almost whispered, running her gaze down Lexa’s body, then met her eyes, “Come here”   
Lexa obeyed without question. Clarke pulled her onto her lap, so Lexa was straddling her. Her hands cradled Lexa’s face gently, but pulled her in with surprising strength. Lexa settled her hands on Clarke’s rib cage, right under where the lace and satin of Clarke’s bra ended. When Clarke pulled away from the kiss to start showering Lexa’s neck with kisses and sucking at her collar bone, she felt Lexa’s hands grip tighter on her body, nails digging in just enough. Lexa was _loud_ , already letting out whimpery moans when Clarke sucked at her skin a little harder, grazed Lexa’s collarbones with her teeth. Clarke almost smiled at the fact of it.

 

There was _so_ much more to come.

 

Before long, she was writhing on the mattress as Clarke swept her tongue across her clit, through her folds, while Lexa held onto the sheets for dear life. Her moans were somewhere between mere breath and solid noise, and she felt like she might genuinely start crying because Clarke was _good_ at this, so good Lexa probably needed to invent a new word for it, and she wasn’t sure how her body was supposed to be able to contain this much pleasure. She’d honestly banked on her first time being an awkward mess (which in fairness it had been, in places), not… this. Occasionally she felt Clarke moan into her- she couldn’t hear anything over her own unabashed moans, or the blood pounding and crashing in her ears- and that only intensified it all. For her part, Clarke was immensely enjoying the taste of Lexa on her tongue, watching her as the pleasure built, hearing her moan. An ego boost for one thing, but also ridiculously hot. Lexa was incredibly wet and Clarke lapped it up enthusiastically, stopping only briefly to ascertain Lexa’s consent for her to go further, one finger hovering over Lexa’s entrance. At the breathy, whispered “Yes”, Clarke slowly pushed her finger in, though it was clearly going to slip in easily either way. Lexa keened, hands flying to Clarke’s hair, and Clarke doubled down, swirling her tongue over Lexa’s clit mercilessly until she was arching off the mattress, moans giving way to an open-mouthed silent ecstasy as she orgasmed. Clarke slowed, helping Lexa ride it out for as long as possible. After a short while, Lexa’s hands gently nudged Clarke’s head, the signal to stop. Clarke lifted her head, kept Lexa’s gaze as she sucked her finger clean and then wiped her mouth clean on the back of her hand.  
  
“Do you need a minute?” Clarke asked, concerned- Lexa hadn’t really moved or said anything. Had she broken her or something? “We can stop if you don’t want to keep going, I can-” Clarke was interrupted by Lexa pushing herself up and forward to meet Clarke in a rough kiss. Lexa could taste an echo of herself on Clarke’s tongue and it sent a small thrill down her spine.

 

It didn’t take long for Lexa to regain some composure, and for Clarke to start growing impatient. She pulled Lexa flush against her needily, savouring the skin-to-skin contact. Dug her nails into Lexa’s shoulder blades just a little and drew red swirls down her back, making Lexa moan softly into the kiss. She moved her hands up from Clarke’s ribs, ginger in her gentleness. Wanting more urgency, Clarke pressed forward into Lexa’s hands, hoping she would take the hint and grow bolder. Lexa seemed to understand; she ran her thumb over Clarke’s nipple and Clarke broke away from the kiss as she inhaled sharply. She’d severely underestimated how turned on she was. Spurred on, Lexa dipped her head and gently sucked at the soft skin of Clarke’s breast, continuing the gentle brush of her thumb. Clarke murmured approval, one hand still lightly tracing trails on Lexa’s back. When Lexa started to use her mouth on Clarke’s nipples, she first heard her moan. It was a sound she liked. A lot.

 

“Is this okay?” Clarke asked, her voice gravelly with arousal. At some point, Clarke had pushed Lexa roughly onto her back, sending a bolt of arousal through Lexa’s stomach. She was learning a lot about herself, but she’d think about that another time. Clarke was kneeling over her, looking at her quizzically and Lexa wanted to be entirely there in the moment. She swallowed, hands on the back of Clarke’s utterly gorgeous thighs. The sight of her, so close to where Lexa knew she would be able to… it made her mouth water.  
  
“Absolutely” Lexa replied, gently tugging on the back of Clarke’s legs as encouragement and scraping her admittedly blunt nails over Clarke’s skin. The look Clarke gave her as she shuffled forwards was something Lexa would dwell on for weeks. Satisfied, filled with lust and, well… there was no other word: it was dominant. Lexa hooked her arms over the top of Clarke’s legs, hands resting somewhere between hip and thigh. Clarke lowered herself and finally, Lexa tasted her. It would be a lie if she said she hadn’t tasted herself while masturbating at some point; Clarke somehow tasted both more and less different than Lexa had expected, but that didn’t matter. Lexa loved it. The warmth and softness of Clarke’s thighs either side of her face, the taste of Clarke on her tongue, the gentle rock of her hips and the _noises_ Clarke was making. This was quite possibly the best moment of her eighteen and a bit years on Earth so far, and she’d won a World Championship medal three days ago. Her jaw started to ache fast- it wasn’t the easiest position in hindsight- but Lexa tried to ignore it and focused on Clarke, which wasn’t difficult. All her senses were occupied by her, bombarded with her, as she moaned and exhaled sharply, heavily, hands white-knuckle on the headboard. It wasn’t a realistic expectation, but Lexa really wanted to make Clarke come. Wanted to know what she looked like, sounded like, _felt like_ when she came.

  
Lexa got her wish. She thought her jaw might start cramping up at the point she felt Clarke’s body tense. Her moans had been growing progressively louder, if not quite the crescendo that Lexa had achieved. She’d figured out roughly what Clarke seemed to like, aided by occasional directions from Clarke herself. So Lexa had an inkling that maybe, she might actually bring Clarke to orgasm. But the actual event took her by surprise. Clarke started to grind down hard on her face, her wetness already covering Lexa’s jaw. Then she tensed sharply, started to shake with the effort of keeping herself up as her orgasm crested. Lexa tried to square her shoulders a little to support her. She continued as Clarke came, unsure whether she should be carrying on. Once Clarke had, quite literally, ridden it out, she quickly lifted herself off Lexa, over-sensitive. She flopped down on the definitely-not-big-enough single bed next to Lexa, grinning  
  
“Damn” Clarke said, “You’re good”  
  
“Says you” Lexa replied, wiping her mouth on a nearby duvet corner  
  
“Well, if I’m that good,” Clarke said, her voice so heavily dripping in arousal that Lexa felt like she would burn up in the intensity of it, “Wanna go again?”


	2. start of something good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke was thankfully still asleep, blonde hair all over the place and just as beautiful as Lexa remembered from the night before. She took a step back, preparing to look under the bed for her other shoe and promptly tripped over the very item she was looking for. 
> 
> -
> 
> Lexa tries to sneak out in the morning and make a smooth exit. She fails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 is here! more plot, less smut, but hopefully you still enjoy. fun fact: lexa's story about a seven year old girl showing off about how two boys were fighting over her at school is exactly a thing that happened to me when i did gymnastics and also the levels of glittery hairspray are REAL, clarke has a point. anyway yeah, the song for this chapter is Start of Something Good by Daughtry.

Lexa awoke in Clarke’s bed, which was narrow even for a single. Clarke was squashed onto about a quarter of the mattress-room, having let Lexa take the majority of it (consciously or not, Lexa didn’t know. She knew she had a habit of sprawling in her sleep). From the sliver of the outside world that Lexa could glimpse around the curtain’s edge, it was just before sunrise. A sneaky disentangle from Clarke’s arm, draped across Lexa’s torso, and a short crawl around on the floor to find her phone, and Lexa confirmed the time: 5:53 am. She’d be able to get back to her hotel in time, no problem. Her clothes were all over the floor, mingled among Clarke’s, and took some rounding up. Carefully, quietly, she got dressed until she was back in everything she’d been wearing when she stepped foot in the room (save her left shoe, which she could not see anywhere. Probably under the bed). Lexa turned to look for it and, just for a second, was caught up with the scene in front of her: Clarke was thankfully still asleep, blonde hair all over the place and just as beautiful as Lexa remembered from the night before. She took a step back, preparing to look under the bed for her other shoe and promptly tripped over the very item she was looking for.  _ Well done, national team gymnast _ , she thought as she stood up. Stood up, to see Clarke rubbing her eyes and sleepily hauling herself towards the centre of the mattress.

“Sorry, did I catch you doing the walk of shame?” Lexa could hear Clarke’s smile, even if her face and bleary words were buried in the pillow  
  
“Oh no, it’s not like that, I…” Lexa was at a loss for words  
  
“It’s okay” Clarke propped herself up onto her elbows, blatantly sleepy, “I get it, I’m not offended. I can pretend to go back to sleep if you want”  
  
“No really, I just-” Lexa paused to yawn, “Need to get back to my hotel”  
  
“Not from around here, huh?”  
  
“Nope, just staying for a few days” Lexa replied, trying to wriggle her foot into her left shoe without success. Clarke laughed a little at her efforts and wiped some sleep dust from her eyes  
  
“You sure you don’t want some food before you go?”  
  
“I wouldn’t want to intrude” Lexa insisted, “And I should really get back before… well, in time to check out” she finished somewhat weakly. Clarke furrowed her eyebrows, as though trying to work something out. Looked at Lexa, then up to the left, thinking.  
  
“Everything okay?” Lexa asked  
  
“Yeah I just… for someone who’s not from the uni, or even around here, you seem awfully familiar. Can’t place it though” She sighed.   
Dread dropped into Lexa’s stomach like molten metal, even though Clarke seemed on the verge of giving it up.

  
“Oh I get that sometimes , I just have one of those faces” She shrugged, talking too fast to the point of almost babbling. Clarke seemed to be satisfied at least, “Anyway, I really do need to get back, I’m sorry”

  
“It’s okay, I get it” Clarke smiled, trying to be reassuring in the face of her own nerves, “Listen, you were probably in this for one night only but I can’t not shoot my shot so… any chance I could get your number?”

  
“I... “ Lexa was shocked. She knew she couldn’t stay much longer, in case whatever glimmer of recognition Clarke had was on the money. God, there were  _ so _ many things to think about in answer to that question.

  
“Tell you what, I’ll put my number in your phone, and then you can decide” Clarke suggested, interrupting her thoughts. Lexa nodded her agreement and, without thinking about it, or about what her home screen was, unlocked her phone and handed it to Clarke, who took it. Immediately a look of recognition flashed across her face as she saw the background: a picture of the very girl in front of her mid-leap, on a beam, GB leotard to boot. She looked up at Lexa in surprise   


“No way...”

“What?” Lexa asked, still not realising what she had just done  
  
“Lexa… Woods, is it?”

 

Oh.  _ Oh no _ .

 

Lexa knew she couldn’t lie now. Clarke knew, it was irrefutable, and that meant Lexa was going to have to sort this out somehow. She cursed herself for being such an idiot.   
  
“Yeah, that’d be me” She said quietly, staring at the floor. What was she supposed to do?  
  
“Wow, okay” Clarke wasn’t sure what to say. How was someone supposed to react when their one night stand turned out to be an elite gymnast, exactly? “I didn’t know-”  
  
“Nobody does” Lexa cut her off. Her anxiety was building at breakneck speed and she tried to push it down, out of her voice, “Except my family. And I need it to stay that way”  
  
“Okay?” Clarke clearly didn’t understand her panic, Lexa could tell by the slight confusion on her face, and the lightness of her tone.   
  
“Really, I… I’ll explain. I owe it to you, but I can’t stay here because, you know, flatmates, we’ll have to go to a bench by the lake or something” Lexa was starting to panic. This was the one thing that she promised herself wouldn’t happen. The one sacrifice she would make for her career.  _ Good fucking job _ .  
  
“Okay” Clarke agreed, her expression reading more like concerned now than confused. Lexa’s anxiety was evident and it worried her. Lexa watched her put on some clothes with impressive speed, before she turned back to her and said “Let me make you some toast to take with?”   
  
The grass was tipped with frost, unsurprisingly for early morning in November. Lexa had to borrow a jumper from Clarke, it was so cold. The sun was just creeping over the horizon as Lexa nibbled on the generously buttered toast Clarke had made for the both of them, stalling for what to say, where to begin in explaining her situation, let alone figuring out what to actually do.  
  
“It was stupid of me to give you my phone like that” Lexa started off  
  
“It is literally you on the beam” Clarke responded, trying to inject some humour into the conversation. It was obvious Lexa had been terrified when Clarke recognised her. She might not understand it, but Clarke didn’t want to make anyone feel that scared.

“It’s from the first time I wore the national team leotard- though we don’t wear that design anymore- so it’s my homescreen. Which I shouldn’t have shown you, but clearly I find it hard to think properly around you” Lexa gave a small smile, which reassured Clarke somewhat, “But yeah, you recognised me, which I was trying to avoid. I knew it was a risk when I went out last night, but I didn’t think anyone actually would. I’m almost always worrying about stuff I don’t need to, so...”  
  
“You got a bronze in the all-around four days ago. At the World Championships. It’s not an unreasonable fear”  
  
“Yeah, but I hadn’t exactly done much before that. Not a lot of people watch or follow gymnastics enough to know who I am. Even you seem like the kind of person who only takes a passing interest in gymnastics, watches Worlds and Olympics. No offence, sorry”

“None taken- you’re basically on the money” Clarke agreed  
  
“You got confused when I freaked out, so it was sort of obvious”  
  
“Okay?” Clarke looked confused again, “How did that clue you in exactly?”  
  
“Can you name a single out queer gymnast?” Lexa asked. Clarke hummed for a second  
  
“Nope”  
  
“That’s because there aren’t any, not any women anyway. Apart from one rhythmic gymnast and another woman who was a gymnast well before my time, but only people who are really into the sport have heard of them. And me, because I did a lot of googling when I was fourteen. But still, there doesn’t seem to be any out women in the modern sport” Lexa admitted  
  
“Are you planning on being the first?” Clarke asked. Lexa could tell she was mostly joking, but there was a note of genuine curiosity in her words. Lexa took a big breath, felt the cold air fill her lungs, tried to use it to cool her pounding heart  
  
“Maybe. I mean, I’d like to be, but…” Lexa trailed off, “Well, I’m not sure how good a career move it’d be. No, really” She added at Clarke’s surprised look. “The judging can be _so_ subjective sometimes, and if I wanna keep doing this I’ll need some sponsorships or something further down the line. Not to mention the other gymnasts. One time at training, when I was younger, a seven year old showed off to me about how two boys in her class were fighting over her. It’s kind of a boy-crazy environment, at least from what I’ve experienced. I’d like my teammates to trust me”  
  
“I mean, you all seem to be into sparkly makeup. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen a particularly butch gymnast now I think about it” Clarke said, “I get why you panicked now and I’m sorry for not taking it seriously”  
  
“Oh, don’t worry. Also there was the time a couple of years back, this one gymnast- American, really high profile- posted something _in support,_ just in support, of Pride Month and got a ton of hate for it from quite a few fans”  
  
“I think I might have seen that. I guess you assume these things don’t really happen if you don’t know much about it” Clarke sighed sympathetically “God, that must be scary”  
  
“Just a little” Lexa laughed somewhat bitterly “I’m still probably being more anxious about it than I need to be, as usual, but for now it’s the way I want things to be. Sorry you had to deal with… well, me and this”  
  
“No, _I’m_ sorry” Clarke said, “I’d never want to out someone, ever, and I’m sorry that you were worried. I’m sorry I even woke up honestly, I’m usually incredible at sleeping”  
  
“It’s okay” Lexa sighed, “Honestly it feels nice to actually talk about it. I’m out to my family, and they understand the situation but it’s not exactly something we’ve ever had heart-to-hearts about. Then there’s my coach from my gym at home who knows, but he’s… it’s a whole other story really, but it’s not great. He’s a bit of a dick”  
Clarke nodded, then abruptly moved on  
  
“That explains why you’re here then, Worlds”  
  
“Yeah. I’ve applied to the uni though, hopefully I’ll get in. A lot of gymnasts train here, so it seemed the best choice”  
  
“You’re still in school? And you’re winning international sports medals?”  
  
“I guess” Lexa shrugged, “Most gymnasts are pretty young” She caught the flash of fear on Clarke’s face and added quickly “I am eighteen though, don’t worry”  
  
“You can only be a few months younger than me” Lexa detected a distinct note of relief in Clarke’s voice  
  
“Oh, my sister’s a summer baby too” Lexa said, without thinking. Clarke laughed and Lexa realized how weird what she’d said was. Why was she incapable of talking without embarrassing herself every four seconds?  
  
“Planning on an introduction, huh?” Clarke teased, and Lexa felt her cheeks burn, “Sorry, I have a penchant for badly timed and inappropriate humour” Clarke tacked on, trying to soothe Lexa, “You’re really not in a position to… and besides, I don’t even know if you’re interested”  
  
“I…” Lexa thought about it. Truthfully, she wanted to get to know Clarke more. She’d been nothing but wonderful and kind this morning, oddly timed jokes included. And Lexa certainly wouldn’t complain about repeating last night a few times, “I’m definitely interested. How could I not be? You made me breakfast”  
  
“Yeah, well, something about you makes me want to get to know you” Clarke shrugged. Lexa smiled, in spite of herself, “And I could sort of tell that a one night stand was new territory for you. The walk of shame can be scary, I didn’t want you to feel unwelcome or scared”  
  
“It was that obvious?”  
  
“Blatantly”  
  
“Well…” Lexa didn’t know why she was opening up so much, besides the fact that Clarke was someone she could just talk to, “To tell the truth, the whole thing was new territory”  
  
“You’re joking, right?” Clarke laughed. Actually laughed. But Lexa didn’t feel like she was being made fun of. If anything, this feeling was... pride? If Clarke hadn’t thought that was the case then she must have done something right, surely.  
  
“Afraid not”  
  
“Well, I hope you had a good time” Clarke smirked, as though she was fairly confident she knew the answer to that question (she had every right to be. Lexa had been obscenely loud when Clarke went down on her)  
  
“Yeah, I did. And I would like to keep in contact. For other reasons too” She added hurriedly as Clarke looked in danger of combusting with smugness, “I do want to get to know you. I just… I can’t promise you anything, as you probably understand. So if you don’t want to go any further from here, I absolutely get it” Lexa braced herself  
  
“Well, we don’t know what’ll happen yet, you might hate me when you get to know me”  
  
“I’d be surprised”  
  
“Me too, I’ve heard I’m irresistible” Clarke grinned and Lexa, in spite of her total agreement with the statement, laughed softly, “Still, what’s the harm? You’ll be coming here in just under a year”  
  
“If I get the grades”  
  
“ _Probably_ be coming here in just under a year” Clarke amended, “So yes, I’d happily exchange numbers, snapchats and a plethora of other social medias with you, Lexa Woods”  
  
“Deal, Clarke…”  
  
“Griffin” Clarke smiled, pulling her phone out of her pocket. 

 

Lexa made it back to the hotel in time to walk into her room right as Octavia was grumbling her way out of bed. It was just an inkling, but Lexa suspected she might not have been the only one who snuck out last night. They shared a look, just for a second, and Lexa knew that she’d been right the night before: Octavia would not betray her to Indra. As her roommate shuffled sleepily into the bathroom, Lexa took the opportunity to change out of last night’s clothes and try to tame her hair into something respectable. It was a losing battle and Lexa huffed in defeat and tied it deftly into a bun, except she apparently wasn’t going to get away with that  _ and _ a neckline as low as hers today. Lexa sighed, and resumed work with the hairbrush. The sight of the marks Clarke left on her gave her a little buzz. Whatever happened next, wherever this went, last night had been amazing, better than Lexa had ever hoped it would be. Maybe her goodbye as she got on a bus to the town centre had been a little embarrassing. They’d both said goodbye, awkwardly stood in front of each other and Lexa felt like she should do something. So of all the things she could have done, she offered her hand. For a handshake. Clarke had laughed, given her a quizzical look, but taken the handshake nonetheless. Only to pull Lexa into a kiss seconds later, right as the bus pulled up.

 

At least one of them knew what they were doing.

 

Lexa slowly tugged the brush through her hair, all the while wondering when she should message Clarke. When did it stop being too soon? She wanted to text Clarke. Wanted to talk to her, kiss her, do… other things with her. The weight of not having anyone to properly talk to the way she’d talked to Clarke that morning had collapsed in on her, leaving her craving Clarke’s company even more. Then there was how absolutely beautiful Clarke was. Lexa was still amazed that she’d managed to catch the interest of someone so stunning. Her face slipped into a smile as she thought about her again, how pretty she was when she smiled, the way her laugh already seemed so infectious to Lexa-   
  
“What’s up with you?” 

Lexa jumped. Octavia had emerged from the bathroom, towelling her hair. Thus far, they’d barely exchanged a word, except a congratulations on Lexa’s all-around medal and a few team shouts.  
  
“Nothing”  
  
“Come on,” Octavia planted herself down on her bed, opposite Lexa, “From the evidence I’ve seen this week, you’re the most tragically awkward person I’ve ever met. Didn’t think you had it in you to go out last night, or ever even, nevermind take a sleepover at someone else’s. And now you’ve got a stupid goofy look on your face like...” She trailed off in a tone that made Lexa distinctly uneasy, especially accompanied by such a very knowing look  
  
“I… where were you then?” She deflected, hoping Octavia would not enquire further.  
  
“I never said I was innocent, I’m just curious. At first, I thought you hated me, but then I realised you just can’t talk to people to save your life”  
  
“That’s fair” Lexa admitted. She was too scared of Octavia to even try arguing with her  
  
“Still, if I keep improving, we’ll be seeing more of eachother because you’ve gotta be sticking around the national team after that performance. Consider this an olive branch”  
  
“You know you only offer one of those if you’ve been arguing, right?”  
  
“Whatever” Octavia shrugged, “Give me your snapchat, I have to quiz you on your pulling game”

Lexa was too intimidated to refuse. She knew Octavia trained here though, so she was right: they would be seeing more of eachother at some point, even outside the national team. Maybe for once, Lexa would actually make some friends when she went somewhere. Not that there was much point having friends when she couldn’t talk them openly and honestly. Still, better than nothing.

 

Nobody seemed at all suspicious as she met up with the rest of the team for their final breakfast at the hotel. There’d been a bit of a surge of conversation attempts after her all-around medal, from both her teammates and the men’s team (some of whom were reasonably famous and successful. Lexa had been terrified the entire time, despite the fact they were all perfectly friendly), but she had been her usual awkward self without even meaning to, and it wasn’t long before they went back to their usual conversations. Lexa didn’t mind too much. She hoped that she might be a bit better at talking at the next training camp though. Octavia’s sudden interest, while unnerving and not something Lexa was in any way used to, had been kind of nice. And if she wanted to stay on the squad, keep improving and win more medals, the very things that her life was built around, it would make sense to try and get to know people. Not right now though. Her head was still processing Clarke as she tucked in her muesli, barely hearing the chatter around her. For the past three years she’d been so frustrated at the complete lack of opportunities to get close to someone, all the while knowing it would be impossible, stupid and reckless for her to actually do so. Yet, somehow, she’d ended up here, Clarke’s number and snapchat in her phone. She had an opportunity, but no idea what to do.

 

A surprise met her as she dragged her small suitcase, foam roller tucked under one arm, down to the foyer. Indra and a few others were there, as expected, but so too was someone else: Anya. Lexa propped her suitcase next to a sofa and ran over to hug her sister  
  
“How come you’re here?” Lexa asked as Anya reciprocated the bone-crushing hug, “Didn’t you only get back in the country last night?”  
  
“I’m here to pick up my awesome little sister” Anya grinned, “Thought I’d surprise you given your success, and that Mum and Dad can’t come pick you up”  
  
“I mean, I didn’t mind” Lexa shrugged, “But I’m really glad you came”  
  
“We’re all sorry we couldn’t come watch, especially given how well you did. Bronze in the all-around, fifth on beam, vault final? Watch out Olympics” Anya punched Lexa in the shoulder  
  
“Shut up” Lexa muttered, grinning. It was great to see her sister again. A quick chat with Indra, confirming the dates of the next camp and that she’d be in contact in a few days if any media stuff came up, and Lexa was off. She chucked her suitcase in the boot of Anya’s garishly red Nissan Micra, then slid into the front seat. Now that she could let her guard down, the exhaustion caught up with her. She’d had about four hours of sleep, and the last few days hadn’t exactly been a holiday.  
  
“You look shattered” Anya said, one arm around Lexa’s headrest as she reversed  
  
“Thanks, I am” Lexa responded  
  
“Well, you worked hard” Anya softened, “We’re all really proud of you, you know. I hope you are too”  
  
“Yeah, I guess” Lexa was pretty neutral on it, if she was honest. After she’d won that bronze, hell, even after she’d just qualified it felt unreal. The competition itself was a blur in her memory. Well, the abysmal landing on her Amanar in the vault final would probably stick in her head forever as one of her worst moments of competition, especially given that she’d done it successfully twice already. But all the rest was almost unclear, apart from stepping onto the podium to receive her medal, next to two gymnasts far more famous, far better than her. Feeling like she was floating as a national anthem not her own began to play, maybe even dreaming because she’d gone from almost nothing to this in what felt like no time at all. 

 

The other thing that burned in her mind had nothing to do with Worlds though. Lexa was frowning slightly at the road ahead, and it didn’t go unnoticed.

“What’s up?” Anya interrupted Lexa’s thoughts  
  
“Nothing” Lexa shrugged  
  
“Yeah, right” Anya scoffed, “You’re bloody quiet, considering everything, even for you. Something’s up”  
  
“Nothing to do with gymnastics. Nothing important”   
  
“Yeah, I don’t believe you. What is it?”  
  
“It’s…” Lexa sighed. There was no way she could tell Anya about this- where would she even begin?

  
“You look like you have a crush, please don’t tell me you’ve fallen for one of the other gymnasts” Anya sighed, “I could see you doing it, but I hoped you’d have the strength-”  
  
“It’s not a gymnast” Lexa cut in, feeling the need to defend herself. She might be disastrously gay, but not that disastrous. Not anymore at least.   
  
“But it is a crush then” Anya said victoriously  
  
“Fine” Lexa muttered, taking her time, “What would you say if I told you I went out last night?”  
  
“April fool’s day is in April, nice deflection” Anya responded, and Lexa at least had some satisfaction that Anya was about to be in for a surprise. She didn’t say anything, but simply waited a few seconds, until:  
  
“Wait, you’re serious?”  
  
“Please don’t tell Mum and Dad”  
  
“Your secret’s safe, I’m way too impressed to rat you out” Anya laughed, “Who’d have thought it?”  
  
“Yeah, I kind of surprised myself” Lexa admitted. She recounted her encounter with Clarke in brief, sparing Anya a majority of the details  
  
“Damn, I didn’t see that coming. I’m almost proud. So, you have her number?”  
  
“Yeah, somehow”  
Anya frowned at the road ahead of her  
  
“I don’t see the problem Lex”  
  
“I’m me, Anya. Lexa in-the-closet-probably-until-retirement Woods”  
  
“Doesn’t mean you can’t date someone” Anya shrugged, “I have to give my approval first though, nobody but the best for my little sis. What’s she studying?”  
  
“Medicine, and don’t be embarrassing” Lexa rolled her eyes, “But you know what I mean. I don’t want to, I don’t know, trap her”  
  
“She knows your situation though, right?” Anya asked   
  
“Yeah, I told her about it”  
  
“And she’s still interested?”  
  
“Well, she wanted my number and stuff, so yeah, I think so?”   
  
“Well then, don’t start making decisions for her would be my advice” Anya said succinctly. She saw Lexa pouting out of the corner of her eye and continued, more gently, “Just see what happens, Lex”  
  
“Okay but…” Lexa felt embarrassment creeping through her skin, “When should I text her? When does it stop being too soon?”  
  
“Nobody knows that. But wait until you get home and then you can use snapchat or whatever the youths do these days”  
  
“Anya, you’re twenty-two and you literally _have_ snapchat. You sent me one yesterday”  
  
“Yeah, because the Jet D’Eau is awesome”   
  
“Good point, tell me all about Switzerland. I haven’t heard anything about it yet, what dark secrets are you hiding from me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any questions, hmu at tremblingwithqueer.tumblr.com


	3. all in time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya’s stories about her surprisingly boring trip (“It was a work thing, I was there to assist on a compliance case, not drink Geneva dry”), along with some recounts of Worlds as Lexa had seen them, had lasted most of the hour’s journey home. She then had to recount most of the same stories to her parents, who were so tangibly proud that Lexa was close to self-conscious, despite the occupants of the living room besides herself and them stopping at Anya. Then she had finally returned to her room and flopped exhaustedly onto her bed (fitted with clean sheets- her favourite ones- by her parents). She felt like she’d been away for months.
> 
> \---
> 
> Lexa starts getting used to a little more exposure, starts getting on with her life after Worlds and after meeting Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a short in-between chapter I suppose. I'm having a block with writing this atm but I still have a finished chapter to post before we get into stuff I haven't finished yet. I'm hoping I'll get back into writing this soon. Thank you for all your wonderful and lovely comments- this is a story I'd write for myself, even if nobody read it, but having you guys encouraging me is really motivating and makes me wanna finish this even more!
> 
> The song for this chapter is All In Time by Shake Shake Go. It seemed like the best fit for what's happening in this chapter out of everything I could think of. Hope you enjoy :)

Anya’s stories about her surprisingly boring trip (“It was a work thing, I was there to assist on a compliance case, not drink Geneva dry”), along with some recounts of Worlds as Lexa had seen them, had lasted most of the hour’s journey home. She then had to recount most of the same stories to her parents, who were so tangibly proud that Lexa was close to self-conscious, despite the occupants of the living room besides herself and them stopping at Anya. Then she had finally returned to her room and flopped exhaustedly onto her bed (fitted with clean sheets- her favourite ones- by her parents). She felt like she’d been away for months. Then again, her life had changed a lot over the last few days. Since coming off the buzz of the medal and, well, everything else, her muscles had become slowly heavier throughout the day and now Lexa just wanted to sleep for three days or so. With a considerable degree of effort, she hauled herself up and went to turn on the bath, before returning to her room and sending Clarke a snapchat (face half in shot, captioned “made it home, how are you doing?”). Octavia wanted to start a streak and Lexa was still too intimidated by her to refuse on the grounds that she’d never had a streak before and in all likelihood would break it within two days. She hung around on some stories for a few minutes, until it became clear that Clarke was not replying any time soon.  _ She is a medical student _ , Lexa reminded her gnawing nervousness firmly. She hopped to tumblr, ignoring her emails (no doubt already containing organisational information) for the time being. At least until the evening, she would take a break from it all and just give time to herself. By the time her bath was ready, producing pleasing amounts of steam, Clarke still hadn’t replied. Lexa tried to shrug it off, unwrapped the bath bomb she’d purposefully ordered so that it would arrive by today, and undressed as it gently fizzed, turning the water a vibrant blue-green, sparkling particles of glitter suspended within. When she climbed in, Lexa audibly exhaled. The water was the perfect temperature, and smelled of lime and rosewood: everything Lexa needed after the last few days.

 

The rest of Lexa’s day was spent largely in relaxation, interspersed with bits of schoolwork that Lexa needed to catch up on (luckily she’d prepared over half-term, so there wasn’t much to do). At around two, Clarke had replied and they’d had a chat that Lexa wished had been longer. For all her fears of awkwardness, of Clarke changing her mind since early that morning, conversation had flowed naturally and easily, and Lexa was sad when Clarke had to leave again (she’d mentioned she’d be around for longer in the evening, which gave Lexa a little buzz of excitement throughout the rest of the day). Emori and Luna popped up when they’d waded through a sufficient amount of Further Maths to merit a break (Lexa was eternally thankful she hadn’t decided to take it in the end. She enjoyed Maths as an A-Level and she was good at it, but the time that her friends seemed to spend on their work did not tally with the amount of time she had. Besides, it wasn’t like she needed it for a History degree). True to their pact since Lexa’s first major competition, they had avoided any news of Worlds and waited for Lexa to tell them how it went in her own words. Their reactions of excited glee were predictable, but still made Lexa feel warm and happy at seeing their excitement for her. Unlike her reactions to conversation with Clarke though, they were familiar, comfortable and somehow just different. For the first time, Lexa started to understand what people talked about when they had someone they were seeing, who they really liked. She’d never really gotten it- her only major crush up until Clarke being an older girl at her gym who had only ever looked Lexa’s way in a mentoring capacity. 

 

Her anticipation built as the sky turned from dusky to truly dark, which Lexa tried to hide at dinner. If Anya noticed, no comment was made. Her parents had made her favourite nut roast (chicken for the other three), which Lexa ate almost twice as much of as usual. The vegetarian pickings while she was away had been acceptable, but hardly ideal and it was just too good, to have good vegetarian food again, not to gorge herself far past the point of being full. She figured she maybe deserved it too. Eventually, dinner was over, Lexa foregoing ice cream for a later occasion.   
“I’m probably gonna get an early night, it’s been an exhausting few days, I’ll see you all tomorrow” Lexa said. Anya shot her a skeptical look, but said nothing. After bidding Anya and her parents goodnight, Lexa went to her room and took her phone out. Nothing from Clarke. Lexa sent what she hoped was a casual snapchat (her nervousness had faded somewhat, but she wouldn’t be Lexa if she wasn’t still panicking over nothing. Honestly, it was a miracle that she was somehow steely and unshakeable in competition with her capacity to worry). It was about twenty minutes later, after Lexa reblogged enough pictures of lingerie to definitively change the tone of her blog (what could she say? The last night had been a life-changing experience), that the little banner on her phone informed her of Clarke’s reply. Lexa jumped apps so quickly she very nearly tapped Clarke’s snap closed before she could read it. Just a simple “Hi”, hair tied back messily. She still looked beautiful. 

 

_ lwoods01: hey, what you been up to _

 

**notsuperman: not much, just an evening in with some sexy, sexy notes on the respiratory system**

 

_ lwoods01: honestly I am legitimately interested, but first can I just ask _

 

_ lwoods01: that snapchat name _

 

**notsuperman: yeah, it seemed funny in year 10, bc clarke and all that**

 

_ lwoods01: we all make mistakes _

 

**notsuperman: well excuse you there**

 

_ lwoods01: as it goes, it’s minor though. I’ll let it slide  _

 

**notsuperman: how nice of you**

 

**notsuperman: id ask about yours but there’s not really much to it is there**

 

l _ woods01: are you calling me boring _

 

**notsuperman: ill let it slide ;)**

 

Just like that, they were off. Lexa found it so easy to just play off of what Clarke was saying. Whatever her worries in between conversations, she had none while actually talking to Clarke. It was  _ exciting _ . She forced Clarke to tell her a bit about the respiratory system (“It’ll help you revise, right?”) and loved the way Clarke put it into layman’s terms, if you could call “so there are three layers of intercostal muscles, think of them like Shrek” that exactly. Conversation drifted between topics until suddenly, it was quarter to midnight and they both definitely needed to sleep, even if neither wanted to. Lexa was unsure what to put on the end of her good night, having never mastered emojis, but Clarke made that decision for her. A photo message, captioned “gotta make sure you have some sweet dreams”, was what Clarke sent after they’d agreed that yes, they should go to sleep, and it nearly made Lexa fall off her bed. Maybe it took her too long deciding on a good angle, but she was fairly pleased with her response.

 

**notsuperman: well, i know ill be having some sweet, sweet dreams. Night <3**

 

That one little heart emoji had Lexa’s head spinning about as much as the naked photo of Clarke she had just seen. How Clarke had the confidence to just… do that, Lexa didn’t know. She would have agonised for quite literally hours over which emoji was appropriate to send to someone who she was… well, what was she doing with Clarke? Were they technically doing anything yet? Lexa didn’t know, but evidently Clarke was less of an overthinker than she was, and that made things easier for Lexa (it wasn’t like she’d wanted to send Clarke a heart already though, or been thinking about it for several hours. Definitely not.)

 

_ lwoods01: oh me too, for sure. Good night <3 _

 

It all progressed from there, although Clarke wasn’t Lexa’s only new social engagement. It had only been a matter of time before Octavia started proper conversation with her, and it wasn’t quite the terrifying prospect she’d expected. If anything, Lexa just solidified Octavia’s assumption that she was a nerd with a tragic social skill-set. She learned that Octavia was from Birmingham, and intended to go to the uni just like Lexa. She was already training under Coach Indra regularly, and Lexa was pleased to learn that regular Coach Indra was apparently the same as National Team Coach Indra. Although she could be scary, like any coach, Lexa liked Indra. She was fair, and as far as Lexa could tell didn’t show much favouritism (otherwise Lexa was fairly sure she never would have made the team. Nobody from her gym had ever made the National Team before). She’d made contact with Lexa (and, unfortunately, Lexa’s coach Titus) about a couple of written interviews Lexa would have to do by email, which was good of her and Lexa appreciated it, particularly relieved that there were no filmed interviews (yet), because there was some important thing going on to do with basketball or something (Titus had explained, Lexa hadn’t listened properly). 

 

The only negative was Titus, sending her a nine paragraph email about how she shouldn’t give anything away in interviews and needed to keep her composure (like Lexa didn’t know already). He was a good coach undoubtedly, and Lexa wouldn’t be where she was today without him. He knew when to push and when to call it a day, seemingly intuitively. When seven year old Lexa had approached him in training one day and told him she wanted to be unstoppable on beam and never fall off, wanted to win the Olympics one day, he’d taken that ambition seriously and come up with a way for her to do that. He understood her as a gymnast, if not as a person. Lexa knew that he would flip if he found out that she was involved with someone. Titus was from the “devote yourself to the sport and only the sport” school of thought, which Lexa could understand. But going back to training for the first time after Worlds, after Clarke, she felt like she was better than ever.

 

Her training regimen only intensified, alongside school, as the new year came and went. Everything was higher stakes. Lexa travelled back to Birmingham one January weekend for a re-meet of the Worlds Team: BBC Sport wanted an interview for the website about “the future of British Gymnastics” (the team had been one of the youngest ever, in terms of average age, Lexa had to admit. She’d been one of the oldest ones and she wasn’t even out of school yet). The group interview was simple; Lexa didn’t have to say much. But afterwards, her, Indra and the team captain, Ontari, who incidentally seemed to have taken a dislike to Lexa, were pulled back for individual ones. If it hadn’t been for Octavia’s parting banter about “Lexa the nerd, hot new celeb goss”, which actually cheered her up, Lexa thought she might have been sick at the prospect. She went last, watching first Indra, who had done this before and knew exactly how to conduct herself in an interview (Lexa took some mental notes), and then Ontari, who seemed to completely replace her personality for the interview. She spoke gushingly about Lexa, her “immense talent”, and how bright Team GB’s future was, only to shoot Lexa a ferocious glower as she left the room, not bothering to stay. Lexa could understand it- Ontari had naturally been the favourite from Team GB to get an individual medal, but had been completely overshadowed by Lexa on the day, not even qualifying for the All Around. Still, it did nothing to quell her nerves as she sat nervously on the chair, fingers worrying at the sleeves of her national team tracksuit.  
  
“You’ll be fine, just be yourself” Indra said reassuringly, inadvertently telling Lexa precisely what she didn’t need to hear. Lexa quickly turned to a nearby window, adjusted her hair, then turned back to the camera and nodded.  
  
“And we’re on” the camera man said, by now sounding bored and in dire need of a coffee  
  
“So, Lexa” The interviewer said from behind the camera, “Describe how it felt when you won that medal”  
  
“It was... dream-like” Lexa decided on, feeling a little more confident. This she could answer. She’d rehearsed what she thought might be asked on the train there, over and over. She could do this, “To be up on that podium next to such amazing gymnasts was incredible. All the girls in the final were so talented, I felt honoured that I could medal in that kind of field. It was honestly one of the best days of my life”  
  
“It must have been a great experience. Does it feel like there’s more pressure on you now, to succeed, to become a figurehead for British Gymnastics?”  
  
“I mean, as a gymnast there’s always pressure to perform. You want to do your best, always. Winning a medal is incredible, and maybe it means other people will expect more of me now, but it doesn’t change my goal or what I expect of myself. I just want to perform the best gymnastics I can, that’s always been my aim, I guess”

  
“Spoken like a true athlete. How do you feel about the rise of British Gymnastics in recent years?”  
  
“It’s great to see us becoming strong on the world stage. People have started to expect us to be in these finals, and I think that’s really just a credit to the program, and the environment they’ve created that allows gymnasts to develop into strong, confident competitors. And absolutely a credit to Coach Indra and all her hard work” Lexa finished with a smile. She was genuinely incredibly thankful to Indra. She’d been coached by Titus her whole life; working under another coach had definitely made improvements to Lexa’s routines, even if Titus was still heavily involved as her personal coach.

“Given the bright future for Team GB, what would you say to any little girls who want to be just like you?”   
Lexa internally startled at the thought of being anyone’s role-model, but kept her composure and continued   
  
“If you’re passionate and willing to work hard, then you can make things happen. I think any girl, any child for that matter, who wants to get into gymnastics should go for it. It’s a sport anyone can enjoy no matter the level. The most important thing is to believe you can do it and to just be yourself, I guess” Lexa finished. She felt like the last words she’d said were incredibly hollow. Who was she to tell others to be themselves?   
  
“That was really great, especially for a first time interview” The woman who had been interviewing her smiled, shaking Lexa’s hand, “Thank you for taking the time to come”   
  
“Oh, it was a pleasure. It’s kind of exciting to be interviewed, I’ve never done one before” Lexa admitted   
  
“I’m glad you see it that way, some athletes act like it’s such a chore. You’re a nice kid, I hope I get to see you for an interview again in the future. I’m sure I will, you’re gonna do big things, I can feel it” She smiled warmly. Lexa thanked her again and then picked up her stuff from the corner of the studio and left with Indra   
  
“Are you going to the station now?” Indra asked.   
  
“Oh, did I forget to email you about getting home? I’m really sorry” Lexa apologised hurriedly, “I have a friend from here who I’m staying with for the night, she’s going to meet me in a few minutes, then get me to the station tomorrow. I don’t know the bus routes quite well enough to get to her house”   
  
“Well, I may as well wait with you”    
  
“It’s fine, really-”   
  
“I know you’re eighteen, but you’re still in school. Coaches feel responsible for their athletes, you know”   
Lexa didn’t have an argument to put forth against that. Instead she whipped out her phone, hoping that Clarke would see her text before she arrived.    
  
_ Lexa: my coach is waiting with me so you NEED to pretend to be just my friend _

 

Lexa had just finished telling Indra about what she intended to study at university and why, when Clarke arrived, stepping off the bus wearing a leather jacket that Lexa badly wanted to grab the lapels of, to pull Clarke in to kiss her. The look of surprise on her face told Lexa that she had not seen the text, but luckily Clarke read the situation quickly and approached with a wave. However, the panic coursing through Lexa wasn’t entirely quieted.   
  
“Hey Lexa” Clarke said, then turned to Indra, “Nice to meet you, I’m Clarke, Lexa’s friend”   
  
“I’m Indra, Lexa’s coach. Well, now that you’re in safe hands Lexa, I’ll be seeing you at the next training camp” Indra said in a friendly tone, before taking her leave. As soon as she’d gone Clarke turned to Lexa with a fierce look   
  
“This is so unfair”   
  
“What?” Lexa asked, bemused   
  
“You look so hot in that jacket, it makes me want to  _ do things _ to you. I was not prepared”   
  
“Have you seen yourself? All I want to do is grab those lapels and pull you in so I can kiss you” Lexa admitted with a note of frustration   
  
“I feel like we should get somewhere private before I kiss you first” Clarke teased   
  
“Definitely” Lexa looked around furtively, as though she was already worried someone might have spotted her   
  
“It’s fine Lexa, honestly. We don’t look  _ that _ gay” Clarke reassured her, “Come on you, let’s get on the bus”

 

Little weekends like that became what Lexa lived for as her A-Levels loomed ever closer. Fortunately, Clarke was as busy as she was, and while Lexa was saddened on days when she barely got to talk to Clarke, the fact that they were both under a lot of pressure and a huge workload seemed to be better than if it had been just the one. They’d started calling when they had time, often both sleepy and making awful jokes about god knows what kind of inane subject. They still had their sexual moments, as ever (the first time Clarke had stayed at Lexa’s, under the pretence of being a friend of Octavia’s that Lexa had come to know, Lexa had spent the night with her face buried tightly in her pillow, desperately keeping quiet as Clarke pounded her hard from behind with two fingers, hard enough that Lexa fell over when she got out of bed the next morning), but now they also had quite a lot of non-sexual moments. Moments that made Lexa’s heart flutter, moments when they argued over who was the cuter, moments that definitely strayed beyond the boundaries of friends with benefits, Lexa knew. The fact that once her exams were over, she was going to have to make a decision, loomed as May approached. The decision wasn’t what scared her, because she knew she’d already made it. There was no question. Maybe her and Clarke had grown attached too quickly (Lexa cringed at the stereotype, but also couldn’t find it in her to care), but nonetheless it was what had happened and Lexa had no intention of changing that even if she could go back in time. At the end of the day, it all came down to Clarke. This was her decision, her life that would be changing, more than it already had. The fears Lexa had of Clarke not wanting to commit (which Lexa completely understood. She wanted Clarke to make her own decision and do what would make her happy) had to be pushed aside as Lexa’s exams came and went, but they seemed to go by in a blur. Her last exam, one of many Maths modules, suddenly ended and there she was. Done with school, forever. The realisation hit her hard. She’d been so busy with gymnastics and Clarke that she hadn’t even had time to think about her exit from the school system. Fourteen years of her life and now it was all over. Lexa didn’t know what to make of it. How could something so important come and go, just like that? Luckily, Anya was at on hand. She’d been through it too of course, and repeatedly told Lexa about how exciting and amazing university would be. The thought of the future made her feel a little ill, but sometimes there was nothing like Anya’s dry sarcasm to cheer her up. Anxious as she was, it was no good to assume what would be before any of it began to happen.

 

One warm day in early July, as Lexa sat with Clarke on the grass of her back garden, playing Scrabble of all things (they were fairly even. Clarke’s knowledge of medical terminology was giving her a clear advantage, but she also took any and every opportunity to play a swear word, no matter the score), she knew that she had to face up to what was going unspoken between.   
  
“Clarke” Lexa said, after what she liked to think was only ten minutes of preparing herself. Really, it had been at least two months. Two months of worrying, playing out this conversation a million times in her head, and now it would become just another moment that came and went-   
  
“Phlegm is a completely legitimate play” Clarke protested with a childish pout, “ _ Everyone  _ knows that word”   
  
“I don’t dispute that,” Lexa laughed, “I’m impressed you had the letters, honestly”   
  
“You should be”   
  
“I am. But we… we need to talk Clarke”   
Clarke sighed and looked to the ground   
  
“Yeah, I know. I know” She took a deep breath, “Go on then, say it”   
  
“Say what?” Lexa was confused now. Clarke sounded resigned, sad even, and it worried her. She studied her expression- eyebrows twitching like she was trying not to furrow them, just a little. Looking not quite down at the ground, but below Lexa’s gaze.   
  
“You can’t commit, I know. I get it” Clarke shrugged, trying to sound as though it was completely fine as hard as she was trying to look like  _ she  _ was fine, “I shouldn’t have pressured you-”   
  
“Clarke” Lexa put her hand on top of where Clarke’s fingers were tensed against the faded material of her jeans, stilling them gently, “That’s not what I’m saying. I want to… I want to properly date you. If you want that too”   
Clarke stared at her for the longest two seconds of Lexa’s life

“That’s the phrasing you choose?” She finally managed with incredulous amusement

Lexa laughed, glad to see her lightening up, and continued

“Look, I don’t know how this works, we both know that. I’ve never dated anyone before and you’ve seen the awkward mess I can be. But I think you’re really great, beyond being just a friend who… who I sleep with sometimes. Getting to know you, I’ve learned all these little things that make me- that make you, well, you. The question isn’t about whether I can commit, it’s whether you want to commit to me”  
  
“Lexa-”  
  
“No, listen. I want to give you an out, seriously”  
  
“Why would I want an out Lexa? Don’t you get it? I can’t stop thinking about you, I always want to talk to you… you’re just amazing” Clarke interrupted, seeming almost angry but for the broad smile on her face  
  
“I… thank you, that’s how I am about you too,” Lexa blushed a little, “But if you date me, we have to keep it secret, you know that. You can’t tell anyone, can’t hold my hand in public… I don’t want to drag you back into the closet just because I have to stay in it. It’s not fair on you”  
  
“I don’t care”  
  
“Okay, I just… wanted to give you a chance to back out. I don’t want you to be trapped, and I want you to do what will make you happy. Not what you think you should do”  
  
“You make me happy, can I do you?” Clarke asked and Lexa laughed  
  
“So, you’re in?” She asked nervously, not quite meeting Clarke’s eyes  
  
“Duh,” Clarke grinned, closing the gap and kissing Lexa gently, “Girlfriends, huh? It sounds nice”

She moved her hands to hold Lexa’s own, and Lexa felt like her heart was singing. For one moment, she forgot about the future, about having to hide, about everything. Because Clarke was her girlfriend.   


 

  
“So when’s our anniversary exactly then? Is it the night we met or is it today?”   
  
“Planning ahead much. I think today feels too late into it” Clarke hummed, “Can you remember at what point we started being gross and couple-y?”   
  
“No, honestly” Lexa admitted, “But I agree”. Clarke was curled up into her side, still flushed from the third orgasm Lexa had given her. Her presence was warm and Lexa felt utterly content   
  
“Two then? November 4th and July…”   
  
“10th, I think” Lexa finished, grabbing her phone to check, “Well, it’s the 11th now, but yeah, the 10th”   


“We should probably get some sleep then” Clarke snuggled into Lexa’s side. It tickled and Lexa laughed softly. She felt like she was glowing all over.  
  
“Probably” She agreed. She stretched over Clarke’s body and just reached the lightswitch to turn off the bedside lamp  
  
“Lexa?”   
  
“Mhmm?” Lexa could feel Clarke’s murmur against her body as well as hear it  
  
“I love you”  
  
“I nearly said that earlier” Lexa admitted, feeling almost floaty with both happiness and sleepiness. Lexa loved Clarke, and Clarke loved her too.   
  
“I could tell. That’s why I thought I’d tell you”  
  
“I love you too”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any questions hmu @ tremblingwithqueer.tumblr.com


	4. hell yeah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Results day loomed as Lexa stared restlessly at her clock. It was technically already there, the minute hand ambling towards to 1am. But she couldn’t sleep. Getting the grades she wanted somehow meant so much more now that a place at Birmingham entailed being a lot closer to Clarke. At least there were no more exams to be done in the morning; it didn’t matter if she showed up to school on no sleep. It wasn’t like she would be the only one. Lexa had tried a myriad of methods to distract herself, and not one had ceased the gnawing feeling of anxiety in the pit of her stomach.
> 
> \--
> 
> It's results day for Lexa; Clarke meets the family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's ch4! ch 5 is still unfinished and I'm going on holiday this friday so potentially it won't be out for two weeks but that will (hopefully) give me time to finish some more chapters. This chapter is named after Hell Yeah by Lake Street Dive because the mood of the song (and the title) fits a couple of moments in this chapter, even if the lyrics don't really apply because these two are unashamedly unsubtle about how into eachother they are
> 
> anyway, hope you enjoy

Results day loomed as Lexa stared restlessly at her clock. It was technically already there, the minute hand ambling towards to 1am. But she couldn’t sleep. Getting the grades she wanted somehow meant so much more now that a place at Birmingham entailed being a lot closer to Clarke. At least there were no more exams to be done in the morning; it didn’t matter if she showed up to school on no sleep. It wasn’t like she would be the only one. Lexa had tried a myriad of methods to distract herself, and not one had ceased the gnawing feeling of anxiety in the pit of her stomach. The actual exams hadn’t caused her much worry, apart from the usual last minute panic. Once she was in them they felt alright enough of course, but she didn’t  _ know  _ that. Lexa could have sworn she wasn’t this nervous for her results two years ago. Which made sense- GCSEs hadn’t really mattered at all, besides to her own pride. 

 

She awoke at 8:30am to her alarm, the peaceful classical piano lulling her awake. The last she’d checked before she fell asleep, it had been a little before 2. It felt like about that much sleep; her eyes itched and begged to fall shut again… still, Lexa knew she had to get up. After hauling herself out of bed, she moped to the bathroom and washed her face with cold water. Marginally better. Her parents were downstairs, although Lexa was going to school alone. They seemed to understand how she was feeling and didn’t attempt to engage her in a conversation beyond “Good morning”. Lexa poured herself a bowl of muesli and did her best to gulp it down her dry throat. Brushed her teeth, brushed her hair again, changed her outfit, and then left. The walk to school was a blur, all of it a blur that felt too fast and too slow at the same time, until Lexa got that envelope. Then it all stopped. She couldn’t bear to open it herself, but she also couldn’t bear to show anyone else. Opening it, she realised, seemed an almost impossible task. Her whole future was in her hands, on something as stupid and flimsy as a sheet of paper.

 

Between indecision and anxious impulse, Lexa almost ripped her results sheet as she tore open the envelope and whipped her sheet out in one quick motion. She felt like the air had been knocked out of her.

 

Politics AS: A. Maths: A. English: A. History: A*

 

She’d done it. She’d actually done it. The sigh of relief seemed to drain the nervous tension from Lexa’s body, and she sank onto a nearby bench. She was going to Birmingham. Where she wanted to study, to train, to spend time with Clarke.

 

_Clarke._

 

Lexa whipped her phone out of her pocket, still jittery from the adrenaline she’d been building up for the last… who knows how long, probably the two months since the end of her final paper, perhaps even the last several years of her life. On her third attempt, she managed to not mistype her passcode and fumbled her way to her contacts, to Clarke, and tapped call with almost obscene force. Then time slowed down again. The wait on the line seemed stretched into the tiniest details of each and every ring, the digital sound monotonous on Lexa’s ears. She wondered briefly, whether Clarke was busy. It was 9:45am - she certainly wouldn’t blame someone for still being asleep, and she knew how much Clarke loved her lie-ins.

 

“Hey” Clarke said, almost making Lexa jump. She sounded as nervous and breathless as Lexa felt herself

“I did it” Lexa said, “I did it. I’m going to Birmingham”

“Yes!” Clarke exclaimed, followed by a dull thud in the background and a hiss of pain, “Sorry, I fistpumped too hard and elbowed the wall. It’s all good though, don’t worry. I knew you’d do it babe!”  
  
“Yeah, yeah. I did it” Lexa was breathing like she’d been training for hours, “Still though, I was worried-”  
  
“You still did it though. Pro athlete and a total nerd? You’re honestly irresistible”  
  
“Yeah, right, says you” Lexa rolled her eyes. This was real. She’d done it. 

 

It was real.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke fidgeted nervously as she waited for (hopefully) Lexa to answer the door. She’d insisted that Lexa didn’t need to keep meeting her at the station, she knew the way by now, but was starting to regret that decision. They’d agreed that this was going to be the day that Lexa introduced Clarke to her family as her girlfriend (though Clarke had been informed that her older sister was well aware of the situation. She knew she hadn’t been imagining that side-eye). If she was being honest, Clarke hadn’t expected to be this nervous and it would be immensely helpful for her simmering worries if the face that answered the door was Lexa’s. Just to calm her nerves a little, take off some of the pressure. 

 

Unfortunately, Clarke was not to get her wish. As Anya answered the door, Clarke immediately tried to bring to mind a handful non-awkward conversation topics one could have with the older sister of their girlfriend.  
  
“Hi Clarke, Lexa’s just-”  
  
“Coming, hi” Lexa appeared behind her older sister at that moment, somewhat stilling Clarke’s nerves. She raised her eyebrows suggestively at her girlfriend’s word choice, which escaped Anya’s notice, but didn’t fail to make Lexa’s ears turn pink  
  
“And here I thought I’d actually get to see your girlfriend for more than four seconds” Anya rolled her eyes, “But you’ve arrived so, time for me to leave”  
  
“Not so loudly” Lexa reprimanded, “We haven’t told mum and dad yet”   
  
“I know Lex” Anya grabbed her sister in what was best described as an affectionate chokehold, making Clarke smile in amusement, “But you’re going to, so I’ve stopped pretending. Sorry Clarke, come in”  
  
“Release me” Lexa demanded dramatically. Clarke was pretty certain Lexa might be stronger than her older sister, and perfectly capable of freeing herself- her arms were hanging loosely by her sides.  
  
“Fine” Anya relented, “Go hug your girlfriend. I have work to do anyway. Keep your bedroom door open Lex, I’ll be checking up on you kids”  
  
“Stop being embarrassing” Lexa complained  
  
“You wish. No sleepovers!” Anya yelled, already vanished from the hallway  
  
“Sorry about that” Lexa turned to Clarke  
  
“Don’t be, you’re adorable” Clarke announced, wrapping her arms around Lexa and pulling her in close, “When are we telling your parents, exactly?”  
  
“Uh, good question. Did you wanna get it over with?”  
  
“Absolutely not” Clarke replied into Lexa’s shoulder, where she’d buried her face affectionately, “I’m actually nervous, would you believe it?”  
  
“You’re human after all” Lexa laughed, “Are you gonna let me move so I can, you know, shut the door?”  
Clarke made a dissenting hum  
  
“Nope”

“Clarke-”  
  
“I’ve missed you” She whined, rubbing her face into Lexa’s neck for extra emphasis  
  
“I know, but really, I should close the door, as lovely a day as it is” Lexa replied with affectionate exasperation  
  
“Fine” Clarke relented, letting Lexa take the single step forward she needed to push the door shut, “Don’t think you’re off the hook though, I’m on my period so you’re getting a lot of cuddles”  
  
“What a hardship”  
  
“Guess you’ll just have to grin and bear it” Clarke re-wrapped herself around Lexa immediately. They stood there for a while, existing in the moment and enjoying being able to hug one another again, until Lexa ventured  
  
“I know you said you didn’t wanna get it over with-”  
Clarke groaned in protest  
  
“But we should probably tell my parents now. Otherwise we’ll never get round to it” She continued  
  
“You have a point” Clarke conceded reluctantly, before starting to head up the stairs to Lexa’s room  
  
“That doesn’t look like going to tell my parents” Lexa pointed out

“It’s not, I want to cuddle” Lexa felt herself soften; Clarke was looking at her with completely unashamed affection, which was something she’d probably never get used to.   
  
“Okay, we can cuddle first”  
  
“Good, I have cramps”  
  
“Do you need painkillers?” Lexa asked worriedly  
  
“I’m all dosed up, it’s fine” Clarke laughed, “They do fuck all, but it’s worth the effort. Or something”  
  
“Do you need a hot water bottle?”  
  
“Nah, I got you, hot stuff” Clarke joked, perfectly timed for Anya  to hear it as she walked out of her room into the landing  
  
“Gross” She said simply to Lexa, shutting the bathroom door with an excess amount of force. Clarke laughed  
  
“I like her”  
  
“She can stay Lexa” Anya yelled from the loo  
  
“Shut up, Anya” Lexa rolled her eyes, before dragging Clarke into her room. 

 

Predictably, Clarke and Lexa didn’t get around to telling Lexa’s parents. They spent most of the afternoon watching Netflix. Clarke had insisted that Lexa needed to watch Queer Eye and Lexa was absolutely loving it (her favourite was probably Karamo). She was also loving the feeling of Clarke burying herself into the side of her body, just being there, nestled into her. Anya rolled her eyes and muttered something about “damn hormonal teenagers” when they emerged in the evening, which Lexa was very affronted by. She was about to give Anya a full lecture about how they had absolutely not been having sex, and indeed on the delights of Queer Eye, when her parents arrived into the kitchen. That quashed Lexa’s outburst before it began. She scowled at Anya across the room, while Clarke tried not to laugh. Lexa’s parents looked between the three with amusement

“Should I ask what you lot are up to?” Lexa’s dad joked  
  
“Actually, um, me and Clarke need to tell you something” Lexa blurted out, without warning. The issue had been gnawing away at her all day, niggling in the back of her mind. She knew her parents wouldn’t mind, scared as both her and Clarke were. Best to just get it over with. And besides, if she hadn’t spoken first Anya would have jumped on the chance to make a myriad of thinly veiled references designed to make her squirm. From Clarke’s expression of indignant shock, she didn’t entirely agree. Lexa’s parents glanced at eachother, while Anya leant back against the counter, muttering under her breath

“Hmmm, wonder what it could  _ possibly  _ be”  
Lexa glared at her for a split second, before composing herself   
  
“Me and Clarke are dating. She’s my girlfriend” Lexa said simply, waiting for the response. She felt Clarke tensing next to her, knew the urge to flee as though it were her own. Anya raised her eyebrows.   
  
“We knew, Lexa darling” Lexa’s mother admitted, smiling kindly at Clarke who, unbeknownst to herself, looked desperately like a rabbit caught in the proverbial headlights   
  
“How-”   
  
“We  _ are _ your parents, Lexie dear” Her father said, and Lexa almost winced.  _ Now  _ they decided to bring out the embarrassing nicknames. Of course. Anya’s penchant for embarrassing her at every possible turn had to come from somewhere.

“I.. right, well. There we go then. Dinner?” Lexa flailed, unsure where to go next. Clarke was starting to look more amused than scared.  
  
“Never change, my painfully awkward sister” Anya pushed herself away from the counter and ruffled Lexa’s hair, “Welcome to the crew, Clarke”  
  
“Thanks” Truthfully, Clarke was almost as lost as Lexa. She’d known Lexa was out to her parents of course, but this was still severely anticlimactic. Lexa had never had a girlfriend before. Her own mother had damn near held a dinner party when Clarke brought home her first boyfriend when she was thirteen, a sweet boy who seemed to have been terrified by the entire experience. But Lexa’s parents were clearly different to her own…

 

No. Happy thoughts right now. She was with Lexa, with Lexa’s family, on a lovely August evening, and she wasn’t even going to let cramps ruin this. Someone had put on the Beatles as Anya retrieved a takeaway menu.

“I’ll have what I always have” Lexa said before anyone could ask  
  
“Creature of habit, huh?” Clarke teased. She knew her ability to make pretty much anything sound like an innuendo and there was no way she’d pass up a chance to fluster Lexa. Sure enough, Lexa’s ears turned adorably pink, and her cheeks blushed just a little. She nodded, then turned to wash up a few coffee mugs while Clarke went to peruse the menu with Anya. It didn’t take her long to pick.

“Chicken chow mein I think, let me write that down” Clarke said, “What number is-” She stopped abruptly. Anya had taken a hold of her wrist and was staring her down with terrifying intensity.  
  
“You better take good care of my sister” Anya said quietly, releasing Clarke’s wrist  
  
“Of course I will” Clarke replied, trying hard not to sound defensive. She understood Anya’s concern, even if the cold-blooded murderous tone seemed a little overboard. It wasn’t hard to predict what came next either  
  
“And don’t you dare-”  
  
“I won’t” Clarke interrupted, returning Anya’s look earnestly  
  
“Ever, I mean it. Even if you two go up in flames, which I doubt you will because I don’t think Lex has enough spine for that to happen. Don’t say a word, to anyone, until she says you can”  
  
“I promise” Clarke startled expression was obvious enough that Lexa had clocked it from across the room and was looking between her girlfriend and Anya with distinct confusion  
  
“I believe you” Anya laughed, “Go on, go back before she thinks I’ve issued a death threat”

“You better not have just shovel-talked my girlfriend” Lexa said to Anya accusingly, as Clarke finally wrote down her order number  
  
“And if I have?”  
  
“Does she look like she’s going to hurt anyone?” Lexa said, planting several kisses on Clarke’s cheek, “She wouldn’t even squash a spider”. Despite herself, Clarke blushed. This was… weird. She’d had one serious relationship before. Finn’s family were perfectly nice, but it wasn’t like this. Lexa’s family were treating her like she was an old friend they’d known for years. Of course, she’d met them before (as Lexa’s “friend”) but still, she had never anticipated feeling so completely at ease.

“No, and neither would you for that matter, but keeping looking at her like that and I might throw up from your heart-eyes”

  
“Toughen up” Lexa replied unsympathetically, “Right?”   
  
“Mhmmm” Clarke nodded with a grin. She was half inclined to pull Lexa into a kiss, just to see Anya’s reaction, but she wasn’t going to push her luck just yet. Instead, she pulled Lexa into a bear hug and sarcastically drawled, “‘Cause you’re  _ so  _ tough, babe”. Lexa made a half-hearted groan of protest, but she was laughing. A soft, warm smile only flashed across Anya’s face for a moment, but Clarke saw it.

 

“I thought you were-”  
  
“I am” Clarke replied matter-of-factly as she hovered over Lexa. She looked beautiful; cheeks a little flushed from Clarke all but jumping on her the moment they got to Lexa’s room, kissing Lexa filthily as she pushed her back onto the bed, “What you don’t know about me on my period is that my sex drive just gets higher”

“Wow, I didn’t know that was possible” Lexa knew she was failing abysmally at sounding any one of cool, calm or collected. If she hadn’t known, Clarke’s satisfied little smile would have told her anyway.

“I’m full of surprises” Clarke said, and kissed Lexa again before she could reply. Lexa’s hands automatically tangled themselves in Clarke’s hair, one leg hooking around Clarke to pull her closer  
  
“I forgot how much I love how flexible you are” Clarke sighed before turning her attention to Lexa’s neck, showering it in dozens of kisses (and more than a few bites). Lexa hummed smugly, until Clarke nipped at her collarbone. She knew how transparent she was in her reactions to almost everything Clarke did, and Clarke had no qualms about using that to her advantage.

 

Before long, Lexa’s tank top was cast aside onto the floor and Clarke had started sucking and nipping just below the band of her bra, while Lexa was writhing underneath her. Clarke had been working Lexa up like this for a solid fifteen minutes, to the point where she was exquisitely frustrated. Clarke had nail marks all down her back and knew exactly what she was doing to Lexa, who was breathing heavily and occasionally muttering Clarke’s name as loudly as she dared. When Clarke hit the sensitive spot Lexa’s neck, she couldn’t help it. Lexa slid her hands up Clarke’s ribs, digging in hard with her nails. To her satisfaction, Clarke stopped dead and let out a gasp. Lexa toyed with the back of Clarke’s bra, mocking contemplation, until Clarke grasped Lexa’s wrists and gently withdrew Lexa’s hands from under her shirt. Watched Lexa’s brief look of concern turn to surprise and then lust as she pinned Lexa’s hands above her head against the mattress. Pressing down just a little to get the message across

“Oh” Lexa exhaled shakily. 

“Is this okay?”

Lexa nodded quickly. Somewhere between her mind and her mouth, the words just seemed to get stuck and she didn’t trust herself to speak without working up to it for a few minutes. She thought she might burn up any second as Clarke, one hand still holding her wrists down, lifted her weight off of where she was straddling Lexa and leaned forward to kiss her. 

 

It was at that exact moment that Anya walked in.

 

Several things happened in quick succession. Clarke, hearing the door open and reacting on instinct, threw herself off of Lexa so violently that she barely managed to stay on the bed

“Anya!” Lexa shrieked, finally managing to dislodge the end of the duvet from underneath Clarke so she could scuttle underneath it. Clarke was staring steadfastly at the floor, but Lexa suspected she was infinitesimally close to bursting out laughing  
  
“I knock, and this is what I get” Anya retorted exasperatedly. Clarke noticed with amusement, that her ears were slightly pink, the same as Lexa’s went when she was embarrassed.  
  
“You should have knocked louder, we didn’t hear” Lexa said grumpily. She was oddly adorable, peeking out from under the duvet indignantly.

“Not my problem” Anya shrugged, “I was going to ask if you would mind if I ate the leftovers, but you clearly have other-”  
  
“Do not finish that sentence” Lexa interrupted in a deathly tone. She knew her sister too well to let that happen.  
  
“You’re not the one who just discovered a lot of things you did _not_ ever want to know about your sister. I can embarrass you as much as I like, thank you”  
That was the last straw for Clarke, who started to shake a little with trying not to laugh, before cracking. She snorted a little, making both Lexa and Anya jump. Shrugging apologetically and still smiling, Clarke turned her gaze back to the floor. She knew if she made eye contact with anyone, she would definitely laugh again  
  
“Whatever, I’m done. Stay safe kids” Anya rolled her eyes. She shut the door pointedly on her way out.  
  
“Oh my god” Lexa sighed, sinking further into the duvet, “Can I please just die now?”  
  
“Come on, it was a bit funny” Clarke replied, moving back across the bed to cuddle Lexa, who was still blushing, and more than a little grumpy.  
  
“Was it really though?”  
  
“It could have been worse. I mean, we weren’t even naked”  
  
“I'm still not convinced” Lexa pouted, making Clarke chuckle  
  
“At least we weren’t fully into it” She gave her a wicked grin that made something drop in Lexa’s stomach. Her annoyance and embarrassment were rapidly subsiding under the weight of Clarke’s gaze, “I was going to fuck you with my fingers and eat you out until you’d come at least three times”  
  
“I…” Lexa had no words. None. She felt like Clarke had just knocked the breath out of her with that one sentence.  
  
“And you’re so cute when your ears go all pink like that” Clarke teased  
  
“No wonder you love to wind me up so much” Lexa sighed. She felt like she was quite possibly about to melt.

“Mhmmm” Clarke agreed, one hand tracing the waistband of Lexa’s leggings. Lexa gave her a pleading look, “What is it, babe?”  
  
“You know what” Lexa practically growled, eliciting a chuckle from Clarke  
  
“I guess I do”


	5. we are now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> University was stressful. Not the work though. It was different, new, and significantly more self-motivated, but Lexa had always had a pretty good work ethic. Training under Indra instead of Titus felt like being able to breathe after being forcibly held underwater, in a lot of ways. Titus was absolutely a great coach, but his dedication-or-die approach was decidedly less favourable than Indra’s method of treating her like she was older than about seven. Though her and Clarke were both busy, seeing her girlfriend regularly was pretty much the cherry on top of the cake. In theory, on paper, everything was absolutely brilliant.
> 
> -
> 
> Lexa settles in at university

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I am back from Sweden! While I was there I had lots of ideas about what to do with this fic but being silly didn't write them down so sorry bc i mean i feel like id i'd remembered this could be so much better. this is the last chapter before a timeskip of around 8-9 months because i'm terrible at pacing so i'm just not gonna write any filler. song for this chapter is we are now by shake shake go who ive used before but also its really fitting for the feeling of starting the rest of your life i think. hope you enjoy!

University was stressful. Not the work though. It was different, new, and significantly more self-motivated, but Lexa had always had a pretty good work ethic. Training under Indra instead of Titus felt like being able to breathe after being forcibly held underwater, in a lot of ways. Titus was absolutely a great coach, but his dedication-or-die approach was decidedly less favourable than Indra’s method of treating her like she was older than about seven. Though her and Clarke were both busy, seeing her girlfriend regularly was pretty much the cherry on top of the cake. In theory, on paper, everything was absolutely brilliant. Her course was interesting, her training was going well, and she was surprising herself with how much she enjoyed living in the student accommodation. She was near a sort-of park with a lake, that could look really pretty in the mornings. Living alone was hard, in some ways, but also fun. She could do almost whatever she wanted, which both delighted and scared her.

 

She’d made good friends with Octavia, and her friend, Raven, who Lexa had recognised as the girl who was always the reserve for, but never on, the national team. For having such rough luck, she was incredibly optimistic, not only about gymnastics but about life in general. The polar opposite to Lexa’s measured, careful approach to life, which made her oddly refreshing to be around. That, and she fixed Lexa’s bike after Lexa accidentally rode it into a hedge one morning after staying over at Clarke’s (she didn’t tell her that part of the story) for free. Getting to know them had made Lexa start to believe more that  _ maybe _ , there was a chance she could have a future in this sport, one where she didn’t have to lie and hide all the time. Certainly, it felt like Raven and Octavia wouldn’t really give a shit, unlike a majority of the people at her gym back home. Truth be told, the topic hadn’t come up much. But the boy-craziness, the gossip, the fawning over who knows which actor this week had all made Lexa distinctly uncomfortable. Partly it was because she’d never gone in for that anyway. But a lot of it came with implications and undertones, throwaway comments that meant nothing to them, but a lot to her.

 

That was the root of it. Still, a part of Lexa felt that she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t be out, as a gymnast and it exhausted her. Nobody in the sport had during their career, no women in artistic anyway, and she’d read that article by Rosie Cossar. And maybe nobody would care., maybe it was just her own childish worrying about her appearance and reputation. But there was still this lurch of fear whenever she thought about it. Then there was the article she'd discovered about her “fast-growing American fanbase” on some obscure media site, which almost made her want to throw up, because apparently “the quiet, graceful Brit is a role-model, not only for other athletes, but for young women everywhere, according to a facebook post by one pastor from Utah, whose two young daughters are big gymnastics fans”. It had been mid-November when she’d read that and it freaked her out so much that she’d ended up having a fight with Clarke. Their first fight. 

 

Lexa had shot down Clarke’s suggestion that she introduce Lexa- just as a friend- to some of her friends (“Bell will keep quiet, he can keep a secret I promise”). She would have said no anyway at that point in time, but perhaps a little more gently. Instead, she was angry and dismissive. Then it all came out; how stressed Clarke was, how hard it was to keep lying when she bailed on her friends. Lexa had almost come right back with retorts about whether it had occurred to Clarke how hard it was for her to keep this part of her secret from the entire world, but the next second she just felt guilty. She’d known this would happen. More than anything at that moment, she’d just wanted to hug Clarke. But she was afraid it wouldn’t be welcome.  
  
“You can leave, Clarke” It wasn’t accusatory, but simply an offer, “I wouldn’t blame you, and I won’t be-”   
  
“You know I’m not going to do that” Clarke interrupted. Her voice was quiet, but terse; Lexa could still sense the frustration just below the surface, “I just need you to be a little more sympathetic. I know how much harder it is for you, but I can’t just support you and get nothing back. I need you there for me too, Lexa”  
  
“You’re right” Lexa looked down. She hadn’t been thinking about Clarke at all, it was true. Too busy being wrapped up in her own silly fears, and her guilt about lying to Raven and Octavia, even though she knew she didn’t owe them anything. Lexa tried not to cry, swallowing the feelings of guilt welling up inside her instead. This was supposed to be about Clarke, on Clarke’s terms. Not how Lexa herself was feeling, “I’m sorry. And I’ll start doing better, I promise. It’s my responsibility, but if I’m not doing enough, or you need more from me, you can tell me”  
  
“Thank you” Clarke huffed, determinedly not looking at Lexa either. She hated this, the uncomfortable tension between them, neither one sure where to go next.    
  
“Hug?” Lexa asked after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, and that was all it took for both of them to break out of their stoic facades (“Babe, are you crying?”)   
  


Later, Lexa had showed her the article. Reading it with Clarke, it seemed far less scary and far more funny (that could have been down to Clarke’s abysmal attempt at an American accent, or her half-joking questions about why this particular outlet had nothing better to write about). Nonetheless, it stuck with Lexa, as though her brain couldn’t let her possibly feel comfortable around Raven and Octavia for a second, couldn’t stop reminding her that she hadn’t told them she was gay, that she was  _ lying _ . She figured Clarke’s situation had to be comparably awkward though. She definitely owed Clarke’s friends a huge apology at some point in the future-  _ if _ they made it that long, Lexa tacked onto the end of that thought. Like she did every time she thought about a future with Clarke. Another thing she couldn’t seem to let herself do without reminding herself that she was gay, and that a lot of people were probably going to hate her for it, whenever she did decide to tell the world and she wouldn’t blame Clarke for giving up on this all somewhere down the line. And yet, despite all the worries, she was improving. Her bar routine was finally starting to look like something with a respectable D-score, and even though she’d only been at university for just over a month, she felt like she’d improved more than she ever had over that long before. Even underneath all the stupid fears and constant self-questioning about whether she was an idiot to stick with this sport, the drive was still there. The seven year old who decided that she wanted to stand on top of an Olympic podium one day was still there. And yes, if Lexa was honest, she wanted to do those things with Clarke beside her.

 

One thing Lexa hadn’t anticipated doing with Clarke beside her quite so soon was Christmas. Well, not Christmas itself exactly. They were both spending Christmas with their families- Lexa at her own house, Clarke at her grandparents, with all the cousins and aunts and uncles. Lexa had still not learned a lot of Clarke’s family, besides that she was an only child, her father had died when she was ten, and her relationship with her mother was somewhat strained. It came as a surprise when Clarke asked Lexa to meet her family, out of the blue, while they were cuddling and watching Netflix. 

“It’ll just be a day and dinner out, you’re welcome to leave as early as you like the next day, I wouldn’t blame you-”  
  
“Clarke, I would love to come” Lexa interrupted, “I wasn’t expecting it, but I’d love to meet some of your family. As long as they know they’re sworn to secrecy”  
  
“They will be, and you’ll never meet a group of people more un-interested in sports, I promise you”

“That should be fine-”  
  
“I actually have a confession” Clarke said quickly, sounding nervous, “I may have blurted out to my mum that I’m dating you on the phone last week. We were having an argument and I just sort of… said it. I’m sorry, I should have asked”  
  
“You know, that’s completely fine. I honestly thought you might have told her already- I’m not offended though” Lexa rushed to reassure her, “But it’s not like people knowing you’re dating someone blows my cover”  
  
“You love talking about it like you’re a spy don’t you?”  
  
“You were the one who started it because, quote unquote, _it makes it more fun_ ”  
  
“I don’t see you denying that you love it” Clarke smiled smugly, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s cheek, before turning serious “But also, I may have mentioned that you were, well, an elite athlete” She looked pleadingly at Lexa, who had turned an alarmingly pale colour, “I didn’t say what sport though. And I made her swear she wouldn’t tell anyone else. And I’m really, really sorry about that”  
  
“I’m not mad” Lexa sighed. Admittedly she had panicked, but the rush of adrenaline was definitely from fear, not anger, “Just… you don’t have to tell me Clarke, I’d just like to know what’s up with you and your family. Especially if I’m going to meet them. I know you don’t like talking about it, but if you can, I’d like to know”  
  
“That’s... that’s fair enough. God, you’re the most patient person in the world, has anyone ever told you that?”  
  
“I need it to put up with you” Lexa teased, kissing Clarke’s forehead gently  
  
“I know you’re joking, but honestly you’re probably right” Clarke laughed  
  
“No-” Lexa protested, but Clarke shushed her  
  
“Let me tell you about my family. You’re right, if you’re going to meet them you really should know”  
  
“Okay” Lexa yielded, making a mental note to shower Clarke in praise after this conversation was over  
  
“So, I’m actually fine with all of my family except my mum. I was a… rocky teenager, you might say, especially given my dad and everything. So she’s really seen the worst of me. But that’s normal for a parent, probably. We fell out because of one of my exes”  
  
“Right” Lexa sounded confused  
  
“He’s the only long-term relationship I ever really had before you. I mean, we’ve been dating for like, nearly five months right? But I’ve met your family and everything. But he’s the only other person who’s family I’ve met”  
  
“Was he-”  
  
“No, no” Clarke was quick to quiet Lexa’s evident concerns, “He was lovely. Honestly, the only problem was we just weren’t right for eachother. We started dating when we were sixteen and broke up pretty much right after our A Levels. But we stopped really being a couple about six months in. All our friends were friends, we got on but we just… weren’t that into eachother. But both too scared to break up. So I ended it finally, once school was over”  
  
“I don’t see the problem”  
  
“My mum loved him. Used to say me and him reminded her of herself and Dad when they were young- they met when they were seventeen. And ever since we broke up she’s just been really judgemental about literally anyone I’m involved with because they’re _not_ _Finn_ , so they’re not good enough for her. Not that I really dated anyone in between that and meeting you. I was briefly seeing a girl at one point, and I mentioned it and she wasn’t happy. Not because of the girl thing; she’s always been fine with me being bi. Whenever we do talk, she tries to talk about Finn and how I made a mistake breaking up with him, but she doesn’t know _anything!_ ” Clarke ended her explanation almost shaking with rage. Lexa stroked her hair soothingly  
  
“I get it now” Lexa said calmly, “Thanks for telling me, I’m glad you did”  
  
“I mean if you’d gone in not knowing that, it would be unfair. But you can probably see why I blurted out that you’re a national team athlete. It was still stupid and childish though”  
  
“I forgive you, Clarke. Really, it’s okay. She might be going about it in all the wrong ways, but your mum seems like she cares about you. So I trust her. We can explain. It’ll be fine”  
  
“Look at you, being the calm one”  
  
“You really thought I was incapable of being calm when the situation requires it, and yet you boast you're dating a _national team athlete_?”  
  
“In fairness,” Clarke smirked a little, “The way you are with me sometimes…”

 

Lexa arrived at Clarke’s grandparent’s house with considerable trepidation. Yes, Clarke was right beside her, and she had vouched that the rest of her family were perfectly nice, but Lexa had never done this before, for obvious reasons. Clarke was her first serious girlfriend. Meeting someone’s family was supposed to be scary. Especially meeting so many at once…  
  
“It’ll be fine babe” Clarke squeezed her hand. Lexa realised she’d been stood as stiff as a board for a while  
  
“Yeah” She breathed out heavily, “I hope so”  
  
“I’m nervous too, if it helps” Clarke offered. Having taken a moment out of her own head since they’d arrived at the house, Lexa could visibly see the signs of Clarke steeling herself. Somehow it was both comforting and worrying at the same time.  
  
“Well then, let’s jump right in” Lexa said, ringing the doorbell. They both heard its chimes through the walls of the house, and waited with baited breath. There was a faint yell, a small thud and then the door was opened by a woman who looked around 70. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail with wisps escaping all over and she looked serious, though her smile was warm and open  
  
“Clarke, dear-” She began to say, but was interrupted by the arrival of a small boy  
  
“Clarke!” He yelled, barrelling through the doorway to hug Clarke, who picked him up with a smile  
  
“Hey, Wells” Clarke cooed fondly, “And hi, Granny”  
  
“It’s good to see you” Her Grandma said, before turning to Lexa, who swallowed nervously, “You must be Lexa”  
  
“It’s nice to meet you” Lexa responded. Clarke’s Grandma and Wells, who she took to be the favourite little cousin Clarke had mentioned, she felt she could deal with.

“Say hi, Wells” Clarke said. The boy tucked himself into Clarke and looked at Lexa nervously, his exuberance seemingly gone   
  
“Hi” He whispered, still trying to shrink away and merge into Clarke’s jumper (a feeling Lexa could honestly relate to)   
  
“Sorry, he’ll get less shy in about an hour, he’s just never sure about new people for a while” Clarke explained, “Can I put you down, buddy? You’ve grown a lot”  
Wells nodded reluctantly, and allowed Clarke to place him on the ground   
  
“It’s good to meet you too, Wells” Lexa said gently, trying to seem as far from scary as possible   
  
“Do come in” Clarke’s Grandma stepped back to allow them to pass, catching Clarke in a hug as she passed, “You’ve actually arrived before Abby, but she should be here soon”   
Lexa breathed a nervous sigh of relief. Maybe if she met everyone else first, it would be easier.

 

Clarke’s extended family were lovely, Lexa fast discovered. Clarke had been right about Wells, who warmed up to Lexa after around twenty minutes of nervous watching. Her uncle Marcus (not Clarke’s actual uncle. He had been a close friend of Clarke’s father, and apparently often came to these sorts of things), had at first looked intimidating, but had quickly given Lexa a friendly smile that dissolved any fears she had of him. There had been polite chit-chat about how their respective courses were going (“Good, actually” and “Busy”), whether Clarke still wanted to work in paediatrics (“Yes”), and when Clarke’s grandma was going to make her apparently famous sticky toffee pudding- everyone unanimously agreed that Lexa had to try it. Lexa had thought Clarke’s family had probably been told nothing of her sporting achievements, but a quick quip by a cousin whose name she didn’t remember as she tripped over the corner of an armchair on her way back from the loo told her otherwise. It was probably better that they know, she conceded, just in case. That had been the sole mention before the arrival of Abby Griffin though. Most of her life was dictated by gymnastics; it was refreshing to be somewhere where it just wasn’t a factor. The only thing throwing her off was, oddly enough, Clarke. She kept glancing uncomfortably at the clock, as though she was counting down the minutes until her mother would arrive. Indeed, it was a short while after she took her sixth or seventh glance that the doorbell rang and Clarke’s grandmother left the room to answer it. Nobody addressed why Clarke wasn’t going to meet her mother, but rather continued the conversation like nothing had happened, so Lexa almost didn’t notice Abby enter the room. Had it not been for Wells yelling her name enthusiastically, she probably would have missed the woman for quite some time. At first glance, she didn’t much resemble her daughter, but then she smiled at the incoming Wells as she scooped him up, and Lexa could see the exact same expression Clarke had made around forty minutes ago lighting up her features.  
  
“I’m sorry I’m late, the trains were awful” She addressed the room at large, “Still, I suppose it’s what you’d expect at this time of year”  
  
“How’ve you been Abby?” Marcus asked. Clarke was determinedly looking just past her mother at the door frame. Lexa had anticipated that the animosity was harboured far more on Clarke’s side, but the fact that Abby hadn’t immediately greeted her daughter was changing her mind.

“Good, good. Busy as always, lots of patients, the usual” She smiled, depositing Wells back down onto the floor  
  
“Hi mum” Clarke said quietly. Abby walked over and gave her daughter a somewhat awkward hug as she said

“How are you?”  
  
“Fine, busy” Clarke shrugged, still not making eye contact, “Mum, this is Lexa”  
  
“Nice to meet you, Mrs Griffin” Lexa immediately offered her hand. Abby took it, giving Lexa a sweeping look up and down. She looked unconvinced; wha  
  
“You too, Lexa” She said. Her smile didn’t quite meet Lexa’s eyes. Fortunately, Marcus swept in immediately with an anecdote he’d apparently “been meaning to tell”- he’d actually already recounted around ten minutes after Lexa’s arrival- removing the icy chill threatening to permeate the room's atmosphere. Wells looked confused, but his mother hushed him before he could say anything. 

 

“She doesn’t like me” Lexa said simply. Her and Clarke were alone in the kitchen. Well, Clarke’s grandma was preparing some food at the other end of the room from the table, which Clarke was half sat on. If she could hear their conversation, she said nothing.    


“I’m sorry”  
  
“It’s okay” Lexa shrugged, “You know me- I was expecting worse”  
  
“I’m still sorry” Clarke shook her head, “I thought she’d be impressed, but it looks like I just made her think you’re some sort of jock instead”  
  
“I probably haven’t helped that image by barely talking. Anya likes to say that I’m actually intimidating until I open my mouth”  
  
“She’s right” Clarke laughed a little  
  
“Seriously, it’s okay. She doesn’t seem to entirely hate me so, that’s a start” Lexa shrugged, her mouth tugging upwards a little, but Clarke could not be dissuaded from her consternation  
  
“I wish she’d just get a grip” She palmed the table in frustration. A nearby glass shook slightly

“Well, I’ll stay on my best behaviour. Pinky swear” Lexa said, with a completely serious expression, proffering her left pinky. Clarke skeptically took it in her own  
  
“Are you mocking me?”  
  
“No”  
  
“A little?”

“A little” Lexa admitted, smiling. Clarke was smiling at her too. She gently rested her forehead against Lexa’s  
  
“We can do this”  
  
“Yeah” Lexa agreed, and tilted her head upwards just a little to kiss Clarke on the nose. She laughed softly, and seemed far more relaxed than she had at any other time that day. Really, Lexa thought, it had actually gone a lot better than she expected.

 

Unbeknownst to the pair of them, Abby had been watching from the hall. She was watching earlier too, when Wells climbed onto the sofa and wedged himself in between the two of them, before asking Lexa if she knew how a lightsaber worked. He’d been delighted by her attempted explanation. She still didn’t know how she felt about Lexa. She was polite, and certainly smart enough for her daughter given they were studying at the same university (although Abby had mixed feelings about the history degree part). The gymnast part, she was definitely not sure about. She commended Lexa for giving herself a safety net by going to university and pursuing a degree, if nothing else. At least she was respectable. But being an athlete, professionally, as her career? If only Clarke had… Abby tried to silence that thought. All misgivings aside, Lexa did make Clarke smile like she hadn’t seen her smile for a long time. 

 

Maybe, one day, she’d find it in her to let that be enough. That was certainly what Clarke was hoping.


	6. i wanna be yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Clarke!” Lexa’s voice was nothing short of bouncy as Clarke picked up the phone. She was grinning already, figuring she knew what would come next,“I’ve been selected, for the Olympic team” She squealed breathlessly  
> “Yes!” Clarke said so loudly that several people turned to stare in the cafe she was sat in. She lowered her voice promptly, “I’m so proud of you babe. So, so proud”  
> “I… this is my dream Clarke. This is what I’ve always wanted to do and it’s happening, it’s happening!"
> 
> -
> 
> Fast forward to the end of Lexa's first year of uni, and Summer 2020. The Olympic journey starts with... well, a bang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its been a while but ive been suuuuper busy and away and also got huge writers block with the smut. Smut being like 70% of this chapter (hence it's kinda short). I also feel like the quality of this may be diminishing from chapter to chapter, which happens when I'm not strict w myself about being patient and letting the plot happen, so the gaps between chapters might stay a bit longer so that its better quality lol (this is why most of my fics are p short/one shots bc pacing is my absolute worst enemy)
> 
> the title for this chapter comes from i wanna be yours by the arctic monkeys, which really just sums up how these two feel about eachother imo like.. sexually and romantically and spiritually they just wanna be with eachother. hope y'all enjoy

“Clarke!” Lexa’s voice was nothing short of bouncy as Clarke picked up the phone. She was grinning already, figuring she knew what would come next,“I’ve been selected, for the Olympic team” She squealed breathlessly  
  
“Yes!” Clarke said so loudly that several people turned to stare in the cafe she was sat in. She lowered her voice promptly, “I’m so proud of you babe. So, so proud”  
  
“I… this is my dream Clarke. This is what I’ve always wanted to do and it’s happening, it’s happening! Don’t say anything yet though, they’re not publishing it until next week”  
  
“I won’t tell a soul” Clarke said. The only person she could possibly tell would be her mother, who did not care about sports in the slightest, “God, I can’t wait to see you. I’d say what I’m gonna do with you to celebrate, but I’m in public right now”. As if to emphasise her point, a woman in her thirties, who was with two small children and the man Clarke assumed was their father, glared at her pointedly  
  
“I’m excited. For all of it. Oh my god, I don’t know what to do with myself”  
  
“Again, I would make a suggestion, but…” Clarke trailed off  
  
“By the way, when you’re staying with us next week, I have interviews on two of the days, so training on Tuesday will be longer, and then I’ll be out for a bit on Wednesday. Sorry. Plus there’s still my training on Thursday and Friday evening”  
  
“It’s okay, you can come back home to me, I understand. And I want to come to your training and sit in the cafe and watch you do your thing”  
  
“That sounds good” Lexa replied, and Clarke could hear her smile, “Anyway, I should tell my parents and Anya-”  
  
“You told me first?”  
  
“I told you about my A-Levels first too”  
  
“Okay, fair enough. Still, go and tell them. And then celebrate, you deserve it”  
  
“I’ll do the real celebrating with you” Lexa said in a way that made Clarke really wish she was there, right at that instant. God, she wanted to go down on Lexa for several hours, make her feel wholly and entirely appreciated, and loved, and amazing. It had been months of hard work and stress, and both her and Lexa wishing they were both a lot less busy between Clarke being a medical student, and Lexa’s seemingly ever-intensifying training. But now, here they were. Uni was done for the year, Clarke had passed her exams despite the copious stress (a lot of which was burnt off with Lexa’s head between her legs, one hand gently holding Clarke’s and the other knuckle-deep) and Lexa’s hard work had paid off. That, and the trip to Lexa’s next week was also marking their one year anniversary. She had a feeling Lexa was probably going to give her something incredibly sincere and heartwarming, because if her girlfriend was anything it was an emotional sap (not that Clarke could claim to be anything less). Still, she was pretty pleased with her own idea of what to get Lexa.

 

She did send her mother a short text to inform her. Abby was not entirely convinced by Lexa, not yet, but progress had been made. She hadn’t mentioned Finn since shortly after Christmas, which had to be a new record. Clarke could see in her face, hear in her voice that her mother was not okay with it, but also that she was slowly warming. Despite her seeming judgement of “jocks”, Clarke was sort of hoping that Lexa being an olympian might sway her favour a little faster. Fingers crossed, anyway. It didn’t matter, but it would be nice to do normal family things. They hadn’t done any of those for a long time and while she had firmly found her place among Lexa’s family, it would be nice to have that with her own mother. Hopefully, they would. It was getting there, slowly.

 

“Hello” Clarke looked at Lexa with pride, love and lust all wrapped up into one irresistible grin as her girlfriend opened the door. Lexa had now been to Clarke’s family home a grand total of once, but it was still a very easy decision for Clarke to come to her.  
  
“Hi” Lexa beamed, wrapping Clarke into a hug without hesitation. It hadn’t been that long since they’d seen each other, but there was more at play than just having been apart  
  
“My mother says congratulations” Clarke informed Lexa, still holding on to her  
  
“She does?” Lexa sounded surprised, pulling away from Clarke enough to close the door, “That’s good”  
  
“It is, actually, yeah” Clarke shrugged, hands settling on the hems of her back pockets  
  
“Hi Clarke” Anya poked her head over the railing on the upstairs landing, “Good to see you”  
  
“You too, Anya” Clarke replied. It wasn’t that often her and Anya talked- mostly due to their own business- but Anya was always more than happy to supply her with stories about Lexa as a small child. That was the other reason they didn’t talk much: Lexa’s intervention  
  
“Lexa’s been unbearably energetic the whole day” Anya rolled her eyes, “I’ve got reports to write, so you won’t see much of me, but she’s been really off-putting with all of her bouncing around”  
  
“Hardly” Lexa snorted  
  
“Oh yeah, congrats on the promotion!” Clarke made a mental note to appreciate Lexa’s adorable excitement at a later point, “They keeping you nice and busy?”  
  
“That’s an understatement,” She scoffed, “Especially as I’m taking time off to go to Tokyo next month. Pay will be worth it though” Anya grinned, “I’ll chat to you later”

 

Lexa promptly dragged Clarke and her over-packed hold-all upstairs to her bedroom and as soon as they made it there, Clarke found herself all but being pushed against the closing door as Lexa started to kiss her deeply.   
  
“Someone’s in a rush” Clarke said breathlessly  
  
“Quite the opposite” Lexa’s eyes were dark. She looked excited, “I want to make sure we have as much time as possible”  
  
“Oh” A wicked smile etched its way onto Clarke’s face, “That’s how it is”  
And without any hesitation, she tugged on Lexa’s belt loops and started to kiss her neck as though she was determined to record every inch of it with her lips. Lexa’s hands tangled in Clarke’s hair as she tilted her head back. She could already feel little electric trails going down from the top of her spine to the base, echoes of Clarke’s mouth on her skin. God, she wanted Clarke’s mouth everywhere on her. But most of all in that moment, she wanted to kiss her. Clarke huffed a little impatiently as Lexa guided her head upwards.  
  
“We have a long time” She said, before clashing their mouths together once more.

 

Clarke gripped Lexa tightly, unintentionally leaving nail marks on her back, small purple dents that Lexa would later see in the mirror and smile at fondly. Her forehead was beaded with sweat and resting against Lexa’s own, eyes tight shut as she straddled Lexa’s lap, riding the two fingers buried knuckle-deep in her. Lexa curled them slightly, in time with Clarke’s rutting hips. Every so often, the heel of Lexa’s hand would brush against her clit as she brought her hips down, making her shudder and bite back the moan of Lexa’s name on her tongue. It was agony keeping quiet- it always was. The way Lexa’s fingers felt inside her made Clarke want to make all kinds of noises, loud and needy, and a litany of comments equal parts loving and filthy. She was desperately close, drawing in uneven, shaky breaths as the rolling of her hips grew more frantic, chasing Lexa’s fingers inside her, the heat pooling, building around them. Ignoring the aching of her thigh muscles, Clarke pushed herself down onto Lexa’s fingers, hard, one more time. Watching with awe as Clarke’s body stiffened on top of her, Lexa continued to slowly curl her fingers, bringing Clarke through the peak of her orgasm. There was a gush of wetness on her hand- Clarke bit her lip furiously to stifle a noise Lexa wished she had been able to hear- and then Clarke relaxed, arms wrapping gently around Lexa’s shoulders. She clambered, somewhat unceremoniously, off of Lexa, and flopped onto her back, breathing heavily. Lexa leant over her and gave her a sweet, comparatively chaste kiss and let Clarke bask in the afterglow. Clarke felt like she might melt under Lexa’s gaze; warm, filled with admiration and utterly in love.  
  
“I’m never going to get tired of your fingers” She sighed contentedly, propping herself up slowly on her elbows  
  
“I’m never going to get tired of watching you come” Lexa replied smoothly, still smiling that gorgeous smile  
  
“Damn” Clarke chuckled, “Someone’s learning how to dirty talk”  
  
“Taught by the best” Lexa dipped her head at Clarke. It was true- since before they had begun officially dating, Lexa had often been reduced to a fiercely blushing mess by the words Clarke would whisper to her. Recently, she had been able to do some of the talking herself, but the effect Clarke was capable of having on her had not diminished in the slightest. Lexa glanced down at her fingers, slick from Clarke. She raised her hand a little, meeting Clarke’s gaze with eyebrows raised in question. Clarke nodded quickly. Slowly, Lexa put her fingers into Clarke’s mouth, watched her suck them and run her tongue over each digit fixedly. There was something about it that was entrancing, inexplicably so. She had to hold back from shivering a little as Clarke cleaned Lexa’s fingers of her own wetness with enthusiasm.  
  
“Wow” Lexa all but breathed as Clarke pressed a kiss to the end of her index finger, satisfied  
  
“I have a talented tongue” Clarke smirked, “So I’ve been told” She rose up onto her knees and moved until her face was inches from Lexa’s own. The weight of her gaze made Lexa’s throat dry up, her pulse increase just a little. It was Clarke who brought their lips together, closing the distance in a heartbeat, sliding her tongue gently past Lexa’s lips. She ran her fingers down Lexa’s back, digging her nails in to leave red trails from shoulder blade to tailbone, feeling Lexa gasp into the kiss and push her body closer to Clarke’s, as close as she could physically get. Every time, Clarke could get her head spinning so quickly. Lexa felt her pulse heavy in her temples as Clarke pushed her down onto her back with a hungry look in her eyes.

As though making Clarke come, watching her come undone as she rode Lexa’s fingers wasn’t enough, Clarke took Lexa’s words about having lots of time to heart. She nipped at Lexa’s collarbones, painted her abdomen with little purple bruises at a seemingly aching pace; nothing short of playing the part of a tease, until Lexa’s hands writhed desperately over Clarke’s hips where they rested and she bit down on her lip hard to keep quiet as Clarke swept her tongue over her nipple, one hand on Lexa’s hips in an unsuccessful effort to quell the canting of Lexa’s hips  
  
“Clarke” Lexa whined as loudly as she dared, running one hand through Clarke’s hair to pin back the stray wisps that fell in front of her face. Clarke looked deservedly smug  
  
“Mhmm?” She responded and Lexa nearly rolled her eyes. Clarke liked to do this; play coy and make Lexa ask for exactly what she wanted (something that, for whatever reason, she found difficult to do during the moment. It brought a new meaning to too gay to function)  
  
“Please…” Lexa tried to make the words appear on her tongue, but the sentence was left hanging, and she was left staring intently at Clarke  
  
“Please?” Clarke enquired, smiling mischievously. She dipped her head to kiss just under Lexa’s jawline, right on the point where Lexa’s pulse hammered insistently  
  
“Please…” Lexa tried to collect her thoughts into something comprehensible, “Please fuck me, Clarke”  
  
“I’d love to” Clarke pressed a loving kiss to her lips.

 

 

“When do you want your anniversary present?” Clarke asked. Lexa was curled into her side, her breath tickling Clarke’s neck  
  
“When do you want yours?” Lexa asked in response, shifting so she could see Clarke  
  
“Your elbow is digging into my ribs babe”  
  
“Sorry” Lexa quickly moved again, “Do you wanna do them now? Unless you need to nap first” She teased. Clarke was a post-sex napper and Lexa loved to tease her about it, if only because she had been worried at the beginning of their relationship that she would be like that too, and because when she told Clarke about it, she had laughed and agreed that Lexa seemed the type  
  
“I am wide awake” Clarke yawned for emphasis, “What’s the time?”  
  
“Quarter to five. Dinner will be in an hour maybe” Lexa shrugged  
  
“Let’s go for it” Clarke nudged Lexa to get off her and, upon being freed, half-rolled out of the bed, “Should I get dressed? Is it weird to give someone an anniversary present while naked?”  
  
“I don’t know”  
  
“Why the hell not?” Clarke decided, foregoing her top that lay on the floor to begin rummaging through her bag. Lexa leaned over the side of the bed and retrieved a small neatly wrapped present from beneath it  
  
“Oh shit, I didn’t wrap it”  
  
“I don’t mind, honestly” Lexa laughed, “It’s apt don’t you think?”  
  
“It… is?”  
  
“You’re naked and so is your present for me”   
  
“You are such a nerd and I love you” Clarke declared, gently kissing Lexa while still holding her present behind her back  
  
“I love you too” Lexa smiled affectionately and, like always, Clarke was struck by the gentleness in her look, “If you haven’t wrapped mine, you should open your present first”  
  
“Sure, you know I love receiving” Clarke took the package with a wink and opened it with care, unwilling to destroy Lexa’s bewilderingly neat handiwork. Inside the pastel blue paper was a brown ring-bound notebook. In what Clarke could imagine was painstakingly drawn lettering, Lexa had written “Us”  
  
“Open it” She encouraged. Clarke did so. The first thing she noticed was that the pages were also brown, and contained not writing, but a collage. On the first page were train tickets, a flyer from the 2018 World Championships, and a business card from Polis night club  
  
“This is from when we first met” Clarke said, realisation dawning as she flicked to the next page, “And this is the first picture we took together…”  
  
“Don’t read it all now” Lexa laughed, “You’re supposed to save some for when I’m away. There’s all sorts of memories in there. And a lot of empty pages, so I suppose you’ll have to update it over the next year. Or I can, since it’s my present to you-”  
She was interrupted by Clarke pulling her into a tight hug, and the rest of her sentence dissolved into a soft chuckle  
  
“Thank you” Clarke breathed, “I love it so much, it’s perfect. You’re perfect. I love you”  
  
“I love you too” Lexa said softly. After a short while, Clarke pulled away, eyes shining slightly, to Lexa’s surprise. Clarke rarely cried. The sight caused a lump to well up in her own throat.  
  
“It’s so amazing babe” Clarke stared at the scrapbook in her hands with something close to reverence, “God, my idea seems so boring now”  
  
“I’ll love it” Lexa assured, “It’s from you”  
  
“Well, here goes” Clarke presented her gift, “It’s supposed to keep you company while you’re away in Tokyo”

 

Lexa stared at the small teddy bear Clarke had place into her hands. It wore a (slightly bumpy) knitted white jumper, emblazoned with the words “TEAM LEXA” in off-kilter black stitching. A knot of affection started to bloom inside her chest as she looked at what was almost certainly Clarke’s own handmade creation.  
  
“Did you make this?”  
  
“The jumper, yeah. Turns out knitting is fucking hard, even when you know how to stitch up a hole in a person’s body” Clarke laughed, but Lexa could hear the worry in her voice, as she waited for Lexa’s verdict on her gift. The emotions that had started to rise when Clarke had unwrapped the scrapbook awakened again, and before she knew it, tears had formed in her eyes.  
  
“Oh my god, are you okay babe?” Clarke asked  
  
“I’m… this is amazing Clarke” Lexa smiled. She almost cried more as Clarke, fixing her with a look that was bursting with love and adoration, gently brushed the tears from Lexa’s cheeks.  
  
"You're amazing" Clarke replied smoothly, kissing Lexa gently and chastely, "And I wanna make you come again before we have to go down for dinner"


	7. dance like nobody's watching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa left for Birmingham on Wednesday morning looking sleepy-eyed but excited. Clarke herself was barely awake as she bid Lexa goodbye at the door, wishing her luck with a sleepy, messy kiss.
> 
> -
> 
> It's interview time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've reached it! the Emo Chapter TM. The song that this chapter, and indeed the whole fic is named after, is dance like nobody's watching by saara aalto. I heard this song a little after I started writing and just knew it was The Song TM
> 
> anyway, sorry about the ever deteriorating quality of my writing :// I hope you enjoy. Also sorry for lack of updates- I'm doing prep work for going to uni so I'm busy. I haven't written any further than this chapter, so god knows when this will be finished but I'm not abandoning it ever, I promise.

Lexa left for Birmingham on Wednesday morning looking sleepy-eyed but excited. Clarke herself was barely awake as she bid Lexa goodbye at the door, wishing her luck with a sleepy, messy kiss. Lexa laughed affectionately, before confirming her return time with her parents (they and Anya were going to visit some of Lexa’s family; Lexa had declined to accompany later in the day, preferring to give herself an evening with Clarke in what would be an empty house. Interviews were going to be exhausting). Then she was out of the door and on her way, with Clarke stumbling blearily back towards the bed for another few hours of much-craved sleep.  
  
  
She busied herself with some light studying during the day. Lexa texted her during lunch, but didn’t stick around for long. Clarke knew she was stressed out by interviews- it was unsurprising to anyone who knew her, but at least from what Lexa had said, it was going alright thus far. Apparently there wasn’t even all that much interviewing happening- Indra had taken the chance of everyone being together to do a lot of “admin stuff”, Clarke had been informed.  
  
  
The day stretched out as it progressed. Her medical notes could only drag her so far through, and Clarke ended up rewatching _Once Upon a Time_ \- yes, she was that bored- to while away the hours before Lexa’s return. It wasn’t even that long- Lexa was due to be back around six. Clarke was just antsy, much more so than she had let on to Lexa, given how nervous she already was. She didn’t need Clarke worrying about her on top of her own jitters. Lexa was just the opposite of someone who liked the spotlight. She took it when it came, but interviews were definitely not her favourite pastime. Especially since they would probably ask about American fanbase (apparently this occurrence was unnervingly regular. People seemed to be obsessed by it, Lexa’s teammates included). Clarke could joke about it, but even that had taken a while. It just seemed to give Lexa an intense reminder of her position, which was the last thing she needed.  
  
  
It had been odd that Lexa hadn’t messaged her the moment interviews had finished, but Clarke had just assumed her phone ran out, or she had stuff to organise on the train home- if she’d learned one thing dating Lexa, it was that elite athletes seemed to have a lot of admin, pretty much constantly. She went about her business as usual, until finally, she heard the door open and Lexa slumped into the hallway looking exhausted.  
  
“Hi” Clarke grinned, “Busy day at the office?”  
  
“Something like that” Lexa muttered. Her expression was resting somewhere between anger and desperation, Clarke noticed, the smile leaving her face as she looked at Lexa with concern, “I’m sorry I didn’t text you at all, I just couldn’t… if I’d said anything I think I would have lost it on the train” She smiled with tangible effort as her voice started to shake, picking at the skin around her nails as she had been doing for the last hour or so. Without hesitation, Clarke drew Lexa into her arms and held her gently right as Lexa’s smile shattered under the weight of what she was feeling. She almost collapsed onto her, drained from all of it, and mumbled something incomprehensible, trembling slightly.

“Sorry?” Clarke asked  
  
“I’m so tired” Lexa’s voice was trembling and whispery, alarmingly weak   
  
“I know baby” Clarke stroked Lexa’s hair, “I know. I know”. All she could do was hold her, repeat those words and hope it was enough. Lexa had said nothing as to what had happened, but Clarke was almost certain she could guess the ballpark of what was wrong. It took a while for Lexa to speak up again, but when she did, voice muffled by Clarke’s shoulder, it confirmed Clarke’s suspicions.  
  
“Why do they care so much? Why does everyone care so much?” Lexa resolutely kept her face buried in Clarke’s shoulder, “I’m just an athlete, I just want to do my best. Why isn’t that enough?”  
  
“Your best is amazing, way more than enough”   
  
“Why do they care if I have a boyfriend?” Lexa shook as she said it, almost screaming the words. Clarke remembered, the first time Lexa came back and cried because she felt so deeply ashamed of herself. Her training mates had apparently talked boyfriends for an hour, asking Lexa plenty about her love life. Lexa had to lie, which was just about the thing she hated doing most. Clarke had held her until Lexa explained, and then continued to hold her until Lexa fell asleep. She’d stayed over at Lexa’s that night. Luckily, it was the summer now and they had Lexa’s house to themselves, meaning Clarke could forego awkwardly dodging her flatmates’ questions about who she’d hooked up with this time and whether it was their anatomy lecturer.  
  
“You’ve been asked about that a lot?” Clarke asked sympathetically, still running her fingers gently over Lexa’s hair while holding her close  
  
“Yeah, I have” Lexa muttered, “That and if I know about my growing American fanbase”  
  
“Oh god, I’m sorry” Clarke grimaced. She’d known it would come up  
  
“I hate having to lie, that I have to invent this whole other persona” Lexa was briefly angry, tensing against Clarke’s shoulder, but sagged again, the fire flashing by. Clarke could feel her shoulder growing damp and hugged Lexa tighter, held her closer, as close as she physically could, “I hate that my life has to be like this. Why can’t I just get to be like every other person? I mean, I know I _could_ , but it’s just before the Olympics and I could ruin it. I’ve worked for this for years. And it’s just so not fair that I have to hide this, hide you. You’re one of the best things about my life and- and I love gymnastics, but I also h-hate it sometimes. I don’t know why I can’t… why I’m so…”   
  
“Lexa” Clarke interrupted, “Baby, listen to me. Breathe, come on. I’ve got you, I’ve got you”  
Lexa sniffed in response, still burying her face into Clarke  
  
“You’re so strong. I could never do what you do. I mean god, you’re so dedicated to your sport, so much more than probably anyone else. No, it’s true. I bet loads of them would have given up by now if they had to do what you do”  
  
“I’m stupid, to pick-”   
  
“Shhh” Clarke said gently, “You’re not stupid, and you aren’t to blame for any of that stuff. Right now, this is just you and me. You can be yourself. Nobody’s watching right now. It’s just us”  
  
“I’m not even-” Lexa protested again, audibly exhausted  
  
“Don’t worry about it right now.. Right now, just relax. Let me take care of you”  
  
“Mhmmm” Lexa mumbled. She nuzzled gently into Clarke’s neck; Clarke could feel how tired Lexa was, leaving some of her weight to be supported by Clarke as she sniffed quietly.  
  
“It’s just me and you. You don’t owe anyone anything” Clarke reassured her. She fell quiet again, let Lexa just stay there wrapped around her in the kitchen, for as long as she needed

“You’re amazing” Clarke whispered, “And I love you, so much”  
  
“I love you too” Lexa finally lifted her head off of Clarke’s shoulder. Her eyes were red and she went to wipe them, smearing the remnants of her eyeliner across her lids. Clarke smiled softly  
  
“Let me make dinner for you, you adorable panda”  
  
“No”  
  
“Lexa-”  
  
“Together. I wanna be close to you” Lexa mumbled, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist instead of her shoulders.  
  
“Okay” Clarke agreed, “I mean, we’re literally just putting pizzas in the oven”  
  
“Shhhhh”  
  
“Okay” Clarke smiled softly, “Do you wanna have a bath after?”  
  
“Yeah, that’d be great” Lexa exhaled the words into Clarke’s neck. Another sharp tug at Clarke’s heart. She wished she could change the world for Lexa, or at least take on some of the weight she must feel having to hide like this. Honestly, she would give the world to Lexa on a plate if she had to, if Lexa so much as wanted her to. Seeing her so exhausted, so vulnerable after a day of interviews made Clarke feel dangerously protective, made her want to curl her arms around Lexa and shield her from everything. Even though Lexa was stronger than her, infinitely so. Lexa was going to be the one to change things, Clarke knew it.

 

They ate their pizzas (Clarke’s a Hawaiian, Lexa’s a vegan one that, according to Anya, had been near impossible to procure) on the sofa, watching something trashy they’d found on a channel numbered in the mid-thirties, legs tangled up together. Clarke had to reach around Lexa to pick up another slice of pizza, as Lexa was still snuggled close, wearing one of Clarke’s hoodies, her smudged eyeliner now removed. Clarke could see how tired she was- her eyes had huge dark circles underneath- and the protectiveness rose up again.

“I love you”   
  
“I love you too” Lexa smiled up at Clarke, and Clarke was instantly filled with warmer, gentler feelings as she gazed back at Lexa, who had a few crumbs lingering around her chin and was looking at Clarke like she’d painted the night sky for her. Clarke kissed Lexa’s forehead and then, upon leaning back and seeing Lexa’s best attempt at puppy dog eyes, leaned back in to kiss her on the lips. It was uncomfortable and awkward from the angle she was at,  and Clarke couldn’t keep it up for long, but it was  _ Lexa _ , and nothing except exactly what she wanted.

 

She ran the bath warm, for long enough that it would be deep when they both got in. Clarke liked to have a bath after months at uni. It felt so luxurious after countless, often rushed showers. The bathtub at Lexa’s house was larger than most, but it was still a little crowded once they were both in. They both loved it though, the feeling of skin on skin in the warm water. Lexa seemed to be feeling a little better, humming happily as she let Clarke lather her hair with shampoo, enjoying the gentle massaging of her fingers against her scalp. The stabbing, twisting feelings in her chest were loosening, no longer suffocating her, and now she just wanted to fall asleep in Clarke’s arms. It wasn’t like Clarke’s arms meant safety, or all her problems going away, but it was close enough. Close enough to quiet the worries in the back of her mind, about what Indra would say at training the next day, given that Lexa had practically bolted from the interviews the moment she could. She told Clarke as much, in pieces and fragments, as they relaxed in the water. For now, at least, it seemed far away.

 

She nearly made it the whole way through training without event. Nobody said anything- partly because Indra barely gave them time to chat before beginning training. She alternated between overseeing and focusing on Lexa and Octavia, the two team members who trained under her regularly. The other two, Ontari and another girl who barely seemed to talk to anyone besides her, had both come from the same gym in Glasgow, with their coach Nia. It was open but undiscussed knowledge, that Nia and Indra got along very poorly- Lexa could have sworn Nia was almost rooting against the members of the squad not from her club. Nonetheless, she provided constructive, if begrudging, advice if Lexa happened to be training nearby where she was, and by the end of training, she could almost forget the interviews of the day before. She’d been performing well, especially on beam, and very few things could clear her mind like a decent training session. Indra called them in for warm down a little earlier than usual, discussing the usual organisational stuff, as well as the odd motivational line, delivered equally as stoically. Once they were finished, she continued  
  
“One more thing, girls. One of you will need to be team captain, though it’s a fairly inconsequential title, as you know. Hopefully you can decide this between you” Indra waited for the team to speak up. They took several seconds to do so, but Lexa started them off  
  
“Well I think it should be you, Ontari. You have the most experience of everyone here”  
  
“You sure you don’t want to Lexa?” Octavia asked, “Being wonderkid and all that”  
  
“Shut up, O” Lexa rolled her eyes  
  
“I don’t mind” Ontari replied coolly, unwilling to nominate herself, “You are our most successful member, Lexa, so it’s not a bad idea Octavia”  
Ontari’s friend nodded in agreement, much to Lexa’s, and evidently Ontari’s own surprise  
  
“That’s settled then, if you’re happy Lexa” Indra looked at her questioningly  
  
“I… I mean sure” Lexa replied, “That’s fine, if everyone else agrees”  
Octavia grinned at her, while Ontari nodded with a completely unreadable expression  
  
“Right, good work everyone” Indra finished simply, indicating that they could go. Lexa headed for the door, slightly shocked. She’d been sure Ontari would be the obvious choice for captain.  
  
“Well done” Octavia made her jump as she wrapped an arm round Lexa’s shoulders enthusiastically, “Captain Lexa”  
  
“Whatever” Lexa sighed, “It doesn’t mean anything”  
  
“What do you mean, our glorious leader?” Octavia joked, “No more running out on interviews for you”  
  
“I… yeah” Lexa stopped dead in her tracks. It was all coming back, every feeling she’d had yesterday, every stab of guilt and anger and fear. She felt the familiar thorny tendrils constricting her chest, forcing her breath to come in quick gasps. Octavia looked at her pale face with concern  
  
“Lexa?” She said, but got no response, “Lexa come on, sit down, you look like you’re going to faint. Did you work too hard or something?”

Lexa allowed herself to be guided to sit on the end of the tumble track, staring blankly ahead, trying to compose herself. Octavia, now considerably worried, beckoned Indra over hurriedly. Lexa vaguely registered her arrival, and her request for Octavia to leave, reassuring the girl that Lexa was going to be fine.  
  
“Lexa?” Indra asked calmly  
  
“Sorry” Lexa forced the words out of her throat, “I don’t know what happened, I-”  
  
“I know a panic attack when I see one” Indra sighed, kneeling opposite Lexa, “It’s perfectly normal, there’s a lot of pressure on you right now”  
  
“Yeah, I… yeah”  
  
“Just breathe, longer out than in, slowly” Indra instructed. Lexa nodded, trying her best to focus her eyes on Indra’s face in front of her, “That’s it, good”  
  
“Thank you” Lexa said shakily, “Sorry, I’ll be fine to go soon”  
  
“Is there anything I can help with?” Indra asked, “What’s going on?”  
  
“Nothing” Even as she said it, Lexa knew it was unconvincing. Part of her brain pleaded to just let it out, to just tell Indra everything that was going on her head  
  
“Okay” She didn’t push, but let Lexa sit for a while, until she was a little calmer  
  
“Sorry” Lexa said again  
  
“It’s okay Lexa. Better to go through it now. I know you’ll be fine when we compete, you’re doing some of the best gymnastics I’ve seen from you right now”  
  
“Thank you, I do feel pretty good actually” Lexa admitted, “I mean, obviously not… my gymnastics feels good. I like how I’m performing”  
  
“Good, you should do” Indra reassured, “What I want to know is what’s getting to you?”  
  
“Honestly…” Lexa took a deep breath, still wrestling with herself on how much to say. In the end, she settled for a half-truth; “I think the interviews rattled me. I’m not really used to it or the kind of person who’s a natural at that”  
  
“That’s fair enough, I don’t love them myself. And they asked you some really invasive questions. Sometimes I just want to tell them to shut up” Indra chuckled a little. Lexa could count the number of times she’d seen that happen on one hand  
  
“It was a little much, especially… yeah”  
  
“Alright,” Indra did a sigh of her own, “I gotta tell you something. When you first joined us in Birmingham last year, Titus sent me an email”  
  
“That’s never good” Lexa muttered, trying to inject the remark with some kind of bitter amusement that she failed to make convincing  
  
“I had quite the reply to send to him… but that’s irrelevant” Indra paused, puzzling out the best way to explain to Lexa, “I… I’m sorry that you didn’t get to tell me yourself”  
  
“I… what?” Lexa looked up, to see unfamiliar concern on Indra’s face  
  
“He told me… I’ll just be frank with you, he outed you Lexa. Just to me. Seemed to think I should know for some reason, I’ll never understand what goes through that man’s head”  
  
“Oh” Lexa didn’t know what else to say. She could feel intense rage rising in her stomach that would surely take over once the sheer shock receded  
  
“I didn’t say anything because I wanted that information to be in your hands, to be yours to tell me. I’m sorry if that was the wrong decision”  
  
“No, it’s… I don’t think there’s a right decision for the situation he put you in” Oddly, Lexa almost felt better than she had done. As though she’d lost everything she had to lose, and somehow it didn’t matter  
  
“Perhaps” Indra shrugged, “I’m still sorry that you’ve clearly been putting so much pressure on yourself this whole time and I wasn’t able to help”  
  
“You noticed then?” Lexa genuinely laughed this time. She knew it was obvious- even Octavia, in her teasing about Lexa managing to make sports nerdy, noticed. Most people did, but they just interpreted it a little differently. For someone like Clarke, or her family, and now apparently Indra, it was clear as day.

“Just a little” Indra joked, another occurrence so rare that Lexa had no clue how to react, “Is that what’s bothering you? The attention and the questions?”  
  
“Yeah” Lexa spoke much more freely, “Basically… god, Titus would kill me for this, but I have a girlfriend. And she’s one of the best parts of my life, and the fact that I hide that   
just feels so pointless and I always feel guilty for lying”  
  
“Well I’m not blaming you, am I?” Indra asked

“I suppose not. I don’t know, nobody’s out in this sport so I just don’t really know how I’m supposed to do any of it. Plus I’ll miss her when I’m in Tokyo” She finished on a lighter note  
  
“She’s not coming?” Indra asked in surprise  
  
“Well, she offered, but I thought it… I guess Titus is still in my brain a little” Lexa laughed, “But I thought I should ask you in case… I don’t know, but obviously I wasn’t going to ask…”  
  
“If she can come, I have no issues with it. If anything, it might be better for your performance. Being healthy when you compete is as much about being happy in the rest of your life as your physical well-being”  
  
“Wait, really?” Lexa asked. Even though Clarke probably wouldn’t be able to come- tickets being so expensive this late in proceedings- just the thought that she could was lifting Lexa, buoying her up right back to almost how she’d been feeling as they ended the training session.

“Really” Indra replied, smiling a little.


	8. we are now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Olympics are over; where has Lexa ended up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, so i felt really bad about abandoning this. BEcause of uni it has been so long since I've written it and while I still love the idea, I've just lost the feel of the writing. But I wanted to close off the story for you before I move onto new ideas, so I wrote this little epilogue. See notes at the end for more in universe info about what else happens :) thank you so much for all the love and positive comments, and for reading this. It's been a joy to write, even if I kind of failed towards the end. Please feel free to ask me any questions you have about the story! I am happy to answer :))

“Are you sure about this?”   
  


She’d barely believed the all-around, even as she lived it. Felt the bars under her hands, her worst apparatus for last, but the thin wooden beams were strangely stable in her grip. Her body felt lighter and more flexible than it ever had before. Not that it was enough for gold- she had hoped for it. But standing on the podium, a silver medal (surprisingly heavy) around her neck, Lexa didn’t care one bit that the American anthem was playing. The euphoria was no less.

 

Of course the doubts crept in before the beam final, as well as the slivers of disappointment. Maybe she could have pushed harder in the all-around. But there were too many maybe’s to bother with. Lexa pushed them away as she paced her room the night before. This was her last chance. The beam was  _ hers _ , if she just stuck to what she knew.

 

Clarke had seen Lexa on beam before, knew the respect she commanded. Everything nerdy and nervous and awkward left the moment she stepped up to the springboard. The look on her face was impervious, regal. Even from the distance of the stands, it definitely  _ did  _ something for Clarke. She’d have to revisit that later. Perhaps it was the huge stage, but somehow the commanding aura Lexa had expanded as far as to envelop the whole stadium, as though everyone was holding their breath in awe (okay, maybe that was just Clarke). And it was flawless. Clarke’s eyes were becoming less untrained by the day, and though she was no expert yet, she knew this was good. Really good. She watched Lexa draw her shoulders back, head aloft, ready to go into the dismount. One more little piece… Lexa’s dad couldn’t seem to watch, and Anya was gripping Clarke’s arm with painful force.

 

She held her breath as Lexa flew through the air in slow motion. The smooth, graceful twists passed by, and then- with a strangely loud sound upon impact- Lexa landed without a hint of a wobble. Anya jumped up with a roar of triumph, Clarke coming with her. Lexa’s parents were crying. Lexa presented and it was then that Clarke noticed something was wrong- she was half-limping, half-hopping towards Indra, who was looking at her with pride and concern   
“Trust her to break her ankle in the best routine of her life” Anya sounded choked, but still managed to roll her eyes   
“It was a solid landing though” Clarke replied, eyes glued to the scoreboard.  _ Come on _ …

 

Clarke had never cried during  _ God Save The Queen  _ before. Anya was furiously wiping tears from her face, trying to pretend that she hadn’t just clutched at her with a shriek of joy as the last competitor’s score was read out. Lexa had done it. Still looking incredibly shocked, she managed to get onto the podium in her state of injury, the German girl who finished second helping to steady her balance with a gracious smile. Her eyes searched for Clarke in the crowd and found her, just before the anthem began to play.

  
And so that brought them to this. Back in the hotel in Tokyo, Lexa snuggled into Clarke and staring thoughtfully at her phone. Her right ankle was wrapped in a cast- not broken, but Lexa had landed with her foot sideways, and the force had torn two ligaments. Uncharacteristically, Lexa had yet to begin fretting over how long recovery would take. She had a different issue on her mind   
“Are you sure you’re okay with me posting about you?”   
“Yes, I am sure” Clarke assured, “I’ve already put my instagram on private, don’t worry”   
“Okay” Lexa nodded   
“Which photo are you using?” Clarke asked, peering over curiously. It was the same photo she had sent to her friends a half hour earlier. Anya had taken it, as soon as Lexa had emerged from physio, ankle bound up and walking on crutches. Everyone, even Anya, had insisted she sit down. Then, after a lot of hugging, Lexa had shyly pulled her medal out of its case. The photo Anya had taken was of Clarke holding up the medal that was around Lexa’s neck, and looking at her like she’d created every beautiful thing in the universe.   
“For once I’m glad of Anya’s paparazzi tendencies” Lexa laughed, “There’s another one too, look” She swiped across to another picture, taken a moment later, of the two of them kissing   
“I expected us to be ugly kissers, but we’re surprisingly photogenic” Clarke observed   
“I mean, you always look great”    
“Goofball” Clarke nudged her affectionately, “Just the caption then?”   
“I’ve written it, actually” Lexa sighed, “I guess I’m just nervous”   
“I don’t blame you, honestly. But you don’t have to do this you know” Clarke kissed Lexa gently on the forehead   
“I want to though. I won that gold-”   
“Hell yeah you did”   
“And I need to do this before someone who knows how to manage my career stops me” Lexa finished, and Clarke laughed   
“Fair enough. Count of three?”   
“I’ve done it” Lexa pressed post as she said it, then locked her phone and reached over Clarke to put it on the bedside table, “There” She took a deep breath, “I did it”   
Clarke pulled Lexa into a tight hug   
“I’m so proud of you” She whispered, holding Lexa close, “So proud”   
“Me too” Lexa admitted   
“Good” Clarke grinned, pulling back to throw Lexa a cheeky look, “No more wearing a scarf in the height of summer when we go to Tokyo’s largest sex shop  _ a la Fairbanks _ then”   
“Dana did that after she came out, I’ll have you know” Lexa retorted   
“Whatever, you know that was just my segue” The mischief on Clarke’s face was shifting towards something else as she moved, hovering over Lexa   
“How did I guess?” Lexa laughed, pulling Clarke towards her to close the distance, “Let’s make that shopping trip worth it”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so some extra info/thoughts:
> 
> Lexa's coming out is in some ways a big deal (the odd voice has a lot to say, she might get invited on some shows or something), but in many ways it doesn't change much. A lot of her fear, while justified from her experiences, was ultimately over nothing because that's who she is. She's a perfectionist and worries too much about everything. I did try to hint this in the story a bit :)
> 
> The commander thing comes into the story as her performance persona. On beam, she is fearless, brave, indomitable and impervious. The Commander is who she needs to be 
> 
> Clarke's friends can't believe she pulled an olympian and Bellamy is literally the most smug. He's best man at their wedding day way down the line and he literally starts his speech with "Really, this is all my doing" but then goes on to gush about how great they are for ages
> 
> Octavia gets into fights with homophobes in Lexa's comments
> 
> Clarke used savings her dad left her to be able to go out to Tokyo with Lexa- something she failed to disclose until she had bought the tickets. Her mother didn't talk to her for a few months, but they got over it eventually
> 
> Lexa does well at the next couple worlds, but the ankle injury does come back, and while she definitely contributes to the GB Team bronze in 2024 (I believe guys, I believe), she doesn't win any individual medals and retires the next year. She becomes a sports writer eventually I think, maybe a BBC correspondent though she's a little too awkward on camera to do anything but commentary really

**Author's Note:**

> hmu at www.tremblingwithqueer.tumblr.com


End file.
